I'm a failure.
Yeah, you read that right. I had a mini-meltdown (let's just say it's not the only one I've had during this wedding-planning season) on Sunday night and realized it's because when push comes to shove, I'm a failure.
I felt like I was just existing, that I wasn't doing anything excellently anymore. Let me give you some background:
If you scroll through to my much-earlier posts, you'd see what my life was like as a single woman. I kept an immaculate house, because I had time to clean it thoroughly every week. I baked cupcakes like nobody's business, and made delicious meals from scratch, just because I had the time. I blogged regularly, because not only did I have the time to blog, but I had the time to examine life and think about what would be blog-worthy. I didn't gain weight for two years after I lost it because I could be picky about what I ate, since I was only feeding myself.
And then I entered into a relationship. Don't get me wrong-- I wouldn't change a thing. I would never want to live without HTB again. But I look at myself now and see this:
A woman whose house is a mess because she doesn't have time to clean it, plan for a wedding, go to work, meet with friends, and spend time with her fiance. She is gaining weight because she stress eats and now cooks for a burly man. She never bakes because why tempt herself, and plus, who has the time? She rarely, if ever writes in her journal, let alone blogs, though this is one of the most precious times of her life. The reason: lack of time.
I confessed to HTB that I was afraid I wouldn't be a good wife because I can't juggle life like a good wife can. I know how to juggle life like a single woman, but not a fiancee or a wife. And because I'm so overwhelmed, I've simply been walking a tightrope, singly concentrated on my one step after the other, praying I won't fall. And I feel like I'm missing life around me, and I can't see the forest for the trees. I'm not doing anything well anymore; I'm just existing.
It was then that HTB reminded me that I am not the girl I was a year ago. A year ago, I was not ready to be a wife. Even though I pridefully thought to myself,
I'd be a wife like a boss! Look at me-- cooking, cleaning, baking, writing-- I'd be freaking awesome at homemaking, I wasn't ready for that-- not emotionally or spiritually. I wasn't ready to depend on another person or put his needs above my own. While other things have fallen out of place, God has been readying my heart.
And the truth is, I
am a failure. But God knows that and can use me anyway. I
can't do everything by myself. I absolutely, without a doubt
need Him and His strength to help me juggle everything life's throwing at me at this point.
In the next two and a half months, I need to:
Get premarital counseling
Sort through and pack up tons of stuff I need to get rid of
Sort through and pack up HTB's stuff
Have a garage sale
Paint and set up my apartment as a home for HTB and me
Finish wedding stuff (that's a whole other list)
Help Bestie move across the state
Visit Chicago twice for the holidays
Buy Christmas presents
Lose 13 pounds
Have a Christmas youth group party
Bake Christmas cookie gifts
Keep up at school
All while still maintaining my time in the Word, spending time with HTB, spending time with friends, teaching at discipleship, keeping a clean house, cooking meals, keeping a handle on finances.
Oh, is that all? Yet I know there are homemakers out there with lists ten times as long as mine. Still, it's a lot to juggle, and I am failing at it. Yet when I am weak, then He is strong.
