The Backup Plan...

I had an interesting conversation with Bestie the other day.  We were discussing backup plans.  She thought perhaps a girl we knew was sad because her backup plan was getting married.  Interesting, I thought.  She went on to tell me that she had had a backup plan years ago.  Really interesting.

"I don't think I've ever had a backup plan," I stated, a little shocked that I, Planning personified, had never had a backup plan.  And apparently I'm the one who needs one, as Bestie certainly didn't need hers.

See, a backup plan, for those of you who are male or uninformed, is that guy you have always known from way back-- the one who may or may not have had a crush on you, and you may or may not have had a crush on him.  In the back of your mind, he was always the backup in case you couldn't find somebody else-- he'd be decent marriage material.  Maybe he's not your ideal, but he'd be stable, friendly, and true.  And he'd be that peace of mind when your relationships failed, because you knew you wouldn't end up an old maid.  He's the backup plan.

But I didn't/don't have one of those.  Probably because I didn't have guy friends until high school, and even then they were always dating others, so I never really thought about them as potential.  And in college, there were several who had potential, but we were never close enough or... foolish enough to make that kind of pact.  I always wanted a backup plan, because in my twisted, rom-com mind I thought it would be romantic to make a spoken or unspoken pact with a guy friend that if you're not married by a certain age, you'd marry each other.  You know, like if My Best Friend's Wedding had turned out completely differently.  Suddenly you realize your backup plan is the one you've wanted all along.  How romantic.  *gag*

But now I realize, I don't want that at all.  It's settling for second best, and it kind of treats that guy like crap.  I'd rather have nothing if my other option is second best, I think.  I mean, how awkward to think, well, I didn't really want you, but you're all that's left, and I guess you're better than nothing at all.  And if it's more of a "we're best friends who love each other but not that way, and we've made a pact that if we're not married by thirty, we're getting married to each other" kind of pact, then why not just get married before you get to be thirty, since your minds are obviously inclined in that direction, and yes, you do love each other that way?  I don't know, just a thought. 

Don't get me wrong-- I'm not looking down on those who have had/ have backup plans.  Sometimes they're a little unconscious and that guy is just always in the back of your mind as a security blanket.  I get it.  I know Bestie wouldn't have ever really married her backup plan-- she's too wise for that.  And I probably would have made a mental backup plan if I had had that particular guy in my past to fall back on.  But since I didn't and don't, I won't.

I don't want a backup plan because I don't need one.  My life is the life God ordained for me-- not a second-best scenario that I'll need to settle for.  Whether or not my life includes a husband, that will be my life, plain and simple.  No backup plan needed.

Just remind me of this when I turn thirty, okay?

Singles' Regret...

I have two questions for you:

1.  Is it only natural for a woman who has been single for a long time to look back at past "options" and wonder if she's made the right choices?
2.  Have you ever had a really bad idea but went through with it because your curiosity got the best of you?

These questions intersected last night.

I have no idea why, but I decided to sift through my emails and find the correspondences between me and "Roberto" (this is the man I met from "creepychristianguys.com" two years ago during the month-long subscription a friend signed me up for).  I don't know what possessed me, but my curiosity wouldn't be sated until I re-read those emails.  As I read, I started to think, this guy wasn't so bad.  He was smart, funny, and passionate about the Lord.  He was a very attractive man of Cuban descent with striking eyes and a nice smile.  And wow... he was really into me.  I started to doubt myself.  Why did I run from this one?  What if I'd made a mistake?

Before I remembered that all-important fact that I really can't make a mistake because God is in control and won't let me miss the right man, I read the rest of the emails.  And then I remembered why I ran from that one.  He was far too intense, far too fast.  I was reluctant to meet him, but after I finally agreed, he insisted that we meet in this old-fashioned, legalistic manner that I was completely uncomfortable with.  When I explained that all I was thinking about was maybe coffee, he replied,

"Trust me, part of me wants to say, yeah sure.  I'll meet you wherever...whatever it takes, I just wanna meet you.   But you are a girl, a beautiful one might I add, what if....what if this turns into a romance and you end up  (getting tricked into, j/k) becoming my wife.  And then...some time later we have four kids.  Just pretend with me here, I know this is far fetched.  Then these kids grow up and want to have boyfriends and girlfriends, and all this kind of crazy stuff.  I want to set a precedent, now, so that when that time comes, and they ask you and me how this came about, I can say.  Well kids, it turns out that mommy and I met at a Christian dating site because finding a good solid Christian guy or girl was very difficult during those times.  ...When the time came when mommy and I wanted to meet, mommy wanted to bring daddy by the house to show her parents, especially grandpa--since guys can be very deceiving some times.  Actually, this was a bit different since mommy had already exchanged about 17 emails with daddy by this time, so she was quite confident that he was a true Christian and wouldn't harm her or disrespect her.  But it turns out that she could not do that since grandpa lived a thousand miles away.  So she decided to have me come by the house of an older couple who cared about mommy and could have true discernment about what kind of man I was. (change in narrator)  So daddy came by and met with me and this couple, which approved of him, and then I felt even more confident that daddy would show me the respect and honor that was due to me.  We went for a drive around town and and walked on the beach, and daddy was very respectful. (change in narrator)   Thats right, daddy got to see mommy's beautiful red hair against a background of waves and a setting sun, and I took her home safely."

I cringed when I re-read this.  WAY too intense, way too fast.  And more than a little creepy, right (we had sent a lot of emails, but they were very platonic on my end, as usual.  But even for all our emails, this was creepy.)?  I remember being weirded out by this, and having many sessions with Bestie and her then BF.  Why I agreed to meet him, I'll never know.  But we met, and he was nice, but super intense.  Only, you would think that with that much intensity, there would also be chemistry.  But there was really no chemistry.  I can't explain chemistry-- I've asked many people and tried to define it but it escapes me.  It's just that nebulous, inexplicable mutual attraction that is either there... or not.  And it wasn't, even when he kept inching his arm closer and closer until we touched.  Weird.

I remembered my method of running away from this friendship.  He called me, and I didn't pick up.  He called again, days later, and I didn't pick up.  I purposely dodged his calls until he stopped calling.  At the time, I thought that would be a better way to let him down.  What I realize now is that I took the cowardly way out to avoid feeling awkward.  Even though he was too intense and made me feel uncomfortable, he was a good guy and deserved better.  And now I find myself filled with regret, not because I wish I'd been in a relationship with him, but because I wish I'd been less rude.

So... I probably shouldn't have let myself read those old emails.  Even though they satisfied my curiosity about whether or not I should have run from him, they filled me with regret.  I'm sure he doesn't even think of me anymore, but he was my one-and-only-date, so I think of him now and then.  I guess I've learned several things since then:

1.  I know my tendency is to run from men... but I think by now I can trust my instincts and discernment.
2.  If I expect honesty and respect, I should give honesty and respect, even when rejecting.
3.  I can't mess up God's plan for my life.  I haven't missed him and I won't miss him.
4.  Meeting someone from online is not something I am comfortable with... and probably won't ever be comfortable with.
5.  When I am in a relationship someday, I will be very slow to proceed.  And if he's not cool with that, he's not the one for me.

Word of advice: don't mix nostalgia, curiosity, and old emails.  It's a recipe for regret.  Am I alone in this?  Does anyone else have "singles' regret" about how you've ended friendships/relationships?

Sorry, "Roberto;" my bad.

Someday I Really WILL Be an Irish Hag...

"You're 26?  Daaang.  That's almost 30!"

"You're going to get old, and wrinkly, and saggy... you better hurry up and get married before nobody wants you!"

Didn't I tell you teachers had to be thick-skinned?  These comments from the mouths of my students on a Friday afternoon could reduce a lesser woman to tears.  But not I... not I.  I simply shook my head, rolled my eyes, and chalked it up to adolescent brain damage.

Of course, as I drove home, those words echoed in my ears.  I wasn't hurt; the words weren't spoken maliciously.  They were an attempt at humor, and I didn't mind.  It really is funny though; those exact words have come to my mind, and it was bizarre to have them uttered aloud.

Sometimes, when I get ready in the morning and look in the mirror, all I see are the tiny lines starting to form around my eyes and the sides of my mouth.  Oh, and that one that's starting to form above my left eyebrow because that's the one I use for the "cocked brow."  Sure, they're just evidence of many a laugh-fest and thousands of genuine smiles, but on a bad day, they seem more like reasons for a man to skip over me.

Don't make fun of me because I'm in my twenties and think about these things.  I'll bet I'm not the only one.  I realize I'm still relatively young, but my relative youth is no comfort at times like these.  It's not that I fear getting old, necessarily, or even wrinkles themselves.  It's the fear that getting old is going to be the reason I get passed over for a relationship.  It's the fear that the little lines forming around my eyes and mouth will cause men to think, "Hm, maybe I could get a newer model; this one needs a new paint job."

Yes, I realize this is irrational for several reasons (are you starting to see a pattern here?  I have irrational fears that I understand are completely irrational yet blog about them just the same, because maybe, just maybe, there are other single women out there who feel the same way).  First, God is in control and even if I am eighty-three years old and have a face that looks like a catcher's mit, God could still bring me the man of my dreams.  Secondly, the "man of my dreams" won't care about the lines forming by my eyes and mouth.  In fact, he may appreciate them and will definitely add more.  The right man won't pass over me because I'm getting old.  He'll appreciate me like a vintage car, which everyone knows is worth more than a newer model anyway.

Maybe he'll even think this, which would be awesome:

As long as he doesn't sing it, of course.  Because when guys serenade girls it's always hilarious, even if they're trying to be romantic and not funny.

So maybe my students are right.  Oh well.  But then perhaps there will be someone in my life someday who sees the "young woman" instead of the "old hag."  Hope so.

Hello, My Name is Josephine March...

When I was younger, the movie versions of Little Women I had seen painted Jo as a tomboy.  Which is why I never really felt that we had much in common besides our loud mouths.  I was never a tomboy... at all.  And then, I actually read the novel, and I was shocked to often find myself looking into a figurative mirror as her character revealed herself more and more through the pages.  Here and there I would dog-ear the pages and shake my head, amazed that over a hundred years ago Miss Alcott had penned a character that would pinpoint my personality so well.  Let me show you what I mean:

"Jo's ambition was to do something very splendid; what it was she had no idea, as yet, but left it for time to tell her...A quick temper, sharp tongue, and restless spirit were always getting her into scrapes, and her life was a series of ups and downs, which were both comic and pathetic."

This particular quote, I am ashamed to say, quite accurately describes my many weaknesses and seems like a character sketch of my childhood.  

 

"'You won't give anyone a chance,' said Laurie...'You won't show the soft side of your character, and if a fellow gets a peep at it by accident, and can't help showing that he likes it, you treat him as Mrs. Gummidge did her sweetheart-- throw cold water over him-- and get so thorny no one dares touch or look at you.'"

I feel like I've heard these words before... perhaps from my sisters?  Or their husbands?  Except of course they never mentioned Mrs. Gummidge, because who in the world knows who that is?

"...With Jo, brain developed earlier than the heart, and she preferred imaginary heroes to real ones, because, when tired of them, the former could be shut up in the tin kitchen-cupboard till called for, and the latter were less manageable."

I have an over-active imagination.  The heroes in my imagination are always preferable to real men.  Which is why I'm probably still single. 

"'I'm glad you can't flirt; it's really refreshing to see a sensible, straightforward girl, who can be jolly and kind without making a fool of herself.  Between ourselves, Jo, some of the girls I know really do go on at such a rate I'm ashamed of them.  They don't mean any harm, I'm sure; but if they knew how we fellows talked about them afterward, they'd mend their ways, I fancy.'"

I've already shared my opinion of foolish flirting-- you know, that hair-flipping, giddy laughing, silly-girl flirting.  I don't know how to do it, I don't want to do it, and I don't do it.  And I hope I'm respected for it... instead of just seen as a cold-hearted woman.

"Poor Jo, these were dark days to her, for something like despair came over her when she thought of spending all her life in that quiet house, devoted to humdrum cares, a few small pleasures, and the duty that never seemed to grow any easier. 'I can't do it.  I wasn't meant for a life like this, and I know I shall break away and do something desperate if somebody doesn't come and help me,' she said to herself when her first efforts failed, and she fell into the moody, miserable state of mind which often comes when strong wills have to yield to the inevitable."

Hmmm, I've felt this on many a night alone in my apartment.  It is no easy task, yielding to the inevitable.

"...Thirty years seems the end of all things to five and twenty; but it's not so bad as it looks, and one can get on quite happily if one has something in one's self to fall back upon.  At twenty-five, girls begin to talk about being old maids, but secretly resolve that they never will be..."

How did Miss Alcott get inside my head on my twenty-fifth birthday?

See what I mean?  So I finished the book, hoping there would also be some lovely parallel between her happy ending and my future happy ending.  But I realized, I'm not so much a fan of marrying a much-older German professor, so...

Instead I prefer something Jo says.  I hope someday, whether I have my own German professor or facsimile thereof, I too will be able to say, "'Well, the winter's gone, and I've written no books, earned no fortune; but I've made a friend worth having and I'll try to keep him all my life.'"  Although I would also like to write books and earn a fortune.  But hey, I'll just take the lifelong friend.

Well, I love Little Women.  No secret there.  I love finding a literary character I can thoroughly relate to, as well.  But don't think Miss Alcott's point has been lost on me.  She creates four very different sisters for the same reason there are four very different women on "Sex and the City," or "Golden Girls:" because every woman can find one of them to which she can relate.  And when we can relate to one of the March sisters, we can learn one of the lessons the heroines learned... like Jo, who learns to be content with her circumstances, serve others, and become vulnerable.  So maybe I can too. :)

What about you?  Have you ever opened the pages of a book, just to find yourself inside?

100 Posts Posted, 100 Lessons Learned...

This is my 100th post.  Well, technically it is not the 100th post on this site, but it is the 100th draft I've... drafted.  There are about four drafts that didn't make the cut.  Even so, I decided my 100th post should be somewhat epic in either length or substance, if not both.  And then my mind went blank.  I then left it up to my facebook friends to help me think of something worthy.  My friend Brianne (thanks, Brianne!) suggested I type up a list of 100 lessons I have learned, I guess post-college.  Epic, in my opinion, in both length and substance.  So here goes:

1.  IT (meaning life) is not about ME.
2.  Nothing can prepare you for a life of singleness.
3.  Men have fragile egos.
4.  Men and women cannot be best friends without one or both wanting more at some point. 
5.  I am not nor have ever been "big boned," despite my childhood claims to the contrary.
6.  Writing a book is not even the hard part of becoming published.
7.  Drama can be completely avoided.
8.  Smiling really does change your attitude.
9.  I have a lot more neuroses than I'd care to admit.
10.Working with youth opens you up to a whole lot of potential for hurt.
11.Friendships have no age barriers.
12.Boundaries keep the peace and sanity in life... and in countries.
13.I may get lost a lot but I always find my way eventually... literally and figuratively.
14.Given the opportunity, people can and will take advantage of you.
15.Serving is the best way to feel at home.
16.Teachers must be thick-skinned.
17.Facebook is my Achilles' heel.
18.You can teach yourself anything.
19.Being creative for creativity's sake and not for money is okay.
20.College does not prepare you for the hands-on of teaching.
21.It's okay to surprise people.
22.My time is more valuable to me than money.
23.I can't control what others will do; I can only control my reactions.
24.It's OK to pray out loud in the car, even if it makes you look like you're talking to yourself.
25.I don't need to correct others' mistakes... all the time.
26.A lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.
27.If you do a good job at one thing, you'll be asked to do something else... and something else...
28.Leadership shouldn't always be sought out, it should often come naturally.
29.High school students think they're funny; middle school students don't know they're funny.
30.When you're headed in the same direction, nothing, not even spouses or miles, separates close friends.
31.He's just not that into you.
32.It doesn't matter what your GPA was in college; your students will still think you're stupid.
33.It doesn't matter how cheesy they are; a girl likes a good chick flick now and then.
34.They'll seldom admit it, but a guy likes a good chick flick now and then.
35.It doesn't matter how spotless the rest of my house is, I will always throw my clothes on my bedroom floor.
36.My Bible training at Moody is priceless.
37.Going shopping is a natural "upper" for me.  Receiving my VISA bill is a natural "downer."
38.My parents are two of the wisest, funniest, most interesting and intelligent people I know.
39.The love my family has for each other (even extended family) is rare.
40.There is no place like home, but you can have more than one home.
41.Through its people, a place will wheedle itself into your heart.
42.I am truly a half-and-half mixture of my parents' personalities.
43.I will always have a love/hate relationship with technology.
44.I am an artist trapped in a box of financial restraints.
45.Prayer changes things (me).
46.Everything, literally everything can point back to some aspect of God's character.
47.Everything is redeemable.
48.Transparency builds solidarity.
49.Hope for the best, expect the worst.
50.Children are depraved.
51.There is no limit to human depravity.
52.There is no limit to God's grace towards me.
53.I grow most through trials.
54.Irish girls can tan, but it's a painful process.
55.Teachers are actors; the classroom is their stage.
56.I have walls around my heart.
57.My confidence and intimidation factor mask my insecurity fairly well.
58.God likes to put you outside your comfort zone... as often as possible.
59.Humor diffuses most awkward situations.
60.It is entirely possible to revert back to middle school every Wednesday night.
61.A husband will never fully fulfill me/complete me/satisfy me.  That's God's job. 
62.Independence is fun.
63.Boys LOVE to talk about poo, and it will probably always be funny.
64.My age is just a number.
65.I am the butt of many a joke.  Yes, I said "I am the butt."  har-har.
66.The following things will always be hilarious: falling down, abruptness, making hideous faces, laughing at inappropriate times.
67.The Helen Keller card is a no-fail in "Apples to Apples."
68.Never bring work home with you... if you can help it.
69.Life is too short to deny yourself your favorite food.
70.Nothing lasts forever.  Except my relationship with the Lord.
71.If the book was fantastic, the movie will probably disappoint.
72.Laziness accounts for much of what's wrong in the world.
73.There are some legit psychos out there.
74.You never know how a small gesture or word will affect others, whether good or bad.
75.Most students are more respectful of male teachers.  Female teachers work twice as hard for respect.
76.Who you are at home, when you are most comfortable, is who you are.
77.It is all to easy for me to become a hermit.
78.Axe spray should have never been invented.
79.Sometimes colored bras will bleed dye onto your clothes, and it will be sucky.
80.Fiber One yogurt is a bad choice.
81.Becoming a good cook/baker just takes experimentation and courage.
82.Apathy is one of the most unattractive traits a person can possess.
83.Inspiration distracts (happily) from the daily grind.
84.Once bitten by the travel bug, you will itch your whole life.
85.Good pizza is worth the calories.
86.Never ever pay full price for anything.
87.God is my protector and provider, even when I only have $22 to my name.
88.It's OK to cry, even in front of other people.
89.Toothpaste on pimples doesn't really work.  It just smells minty.
90.I have become a realist with idealistic tendencies.
91.You can't force someone to see things the way you see them.
92.Friendships require routine maintenance.
93.If I am really looking forward to something, I will be disappointed.
94.My imagination can be my best friend or my worst enemy.
95.You don't have to experience mistakes to gain wisdom.  Sometimes wisdom is gained in avoiding mistakes.
96.Moving is THE WORST.
97.Fresh starts are THE BEST.
98.Being a bridesmaid is ridiculously expensive.
99.Don't talk to strangers.  Or smile at them.  Or even look at them.  Unless they are babies or the elderly.
100.When you ask God to change you, he absolutely will.

If you actually read all 100-- I am impressed. :)  Thanks, friends, for reading.