Reinventing the Blog...

Before I post Resolved, Part 2... which will be a "year-in-pictures" if I ever get around to it (and let's hope I get around to it this weekend, when I'll finally have time to clean my apartment, do my finances, organize my life, plan my quarter, and... breathe), I thought I'd ask for some advice.

For many years I was single.  Maybe not as many as some, but for a girl like me, it felt like forever.  Over those years, the Lord used my singleness to teach me many things, and to grow my walk with Him.  I wrote about it, not only as an outlet but as a way to preach to myself, and remind myself of what I knew to be true, with the hopes that it would in turn encourage and remind other single women of the truth.

I loved that.  I felt it was my niche, of sorts. 

And now, I'm not single anymore.  Well, technically I am because I'm not married, but I'm spoken for.  I'm obviously thrilled about that, but the struggles of single Amanda really aren't there anymore.  Instead there are now struggles of Amanda-in-relationship, on which I could write epic blogs but don't really feel that telling the world about my relationship is entirely appropriate (no offense, oversharers).  At least not not all the time, anyway.

Over pizza at the little shop where I once often frequented (and wrote a blog about one of the Italians there, who, I might add, can't hold a candle to my Italian), I talked to BF about the fact that I feel I need to reinvent my blog.  But how?

Here are my concerns:

1.  I don't want to become out-of-touch with the single women who may read my blog, and the single women still in my life.  This is actually a large burden on my heart at the moment, and here's why: I remember when, as a single woman, attached/engaged/married women would talk to me about how they were single and then waited, and now they have their man.  And I (admittedly with the wrong attitude) would think, That's all well and good, but see, you are in a relationship, and I still am not.  So thanks but no thanks to your unsolicited advice.  I feel that I still have valuable lessons to convey, but I don't want my single friends to think like I did about me, to think Oh great, another one bites the dust.  What else is new? BF reminded me that I can't control their response to my advice, and he's right.  But that doesn't take away the burden on my heart that I may be estranging my friends/readers without even trying.  I'm just being honest here.

2.  I don't know what I want my blog to be.  I could post lessons I learn from the Word, and probably always will do that no matter how I reinvent this blog, because that's the biggest part of me.  I could make it a photo journal.  I could make it a DIY blog.  I just don't know.  And the fact that I just don't know kind of sums up the overwhelmed sensation I am feeling these days.

So, readers and friends, what do you think?  How should I reinvent my blog?  About what should I write?  Please think about that and respond; meanwhile I'll be working on my "year-in-pictures" blog... so stay tuned.

Ah, the Innocence of... a Twentysomething...

I took one of my classes outside today to enjoy the fantastic cool weather.  I started swinging.  Students started arguing about lip gloss.

"Miss Hardt, have you ever talked to your boyfriend about lipstick?"
"I've never had a boyfriend"
".....What?  Miss Hardt!  You've never had a boyfriend?"
"Nope.  But I don't mind."
She touched her finger to her lip.  "So you've never been kissed?"
I smiled.  "Nope.  But that's okay.  Someday I will"
She looked troubled and I felt I had to assure her that I was alright, and this was not a bad thing.  "Really, I'm just picky.  For me, the point of dating is to see if I would ever marry that person, so I don't go out with guys who wouldn't make the cut."
"But Miss Hardt!  Have you ever been asked out?!"
I kind of laughed.  "Yeah a couple times, but I said no.  Someday it will happen, it just hasn't yet.  I'm not worried.  Besides, the way I see it, once I get into a relationship I'll have a lot less emotional baggage to deal with.  I know it's unusual, but I think it's smart."
"Yeah, I can see your point... Miss Hardt, you remind me of a little girl."

I laughed inwardly and thought, good.  I'm glad I'm different from their worldly ideas of what a 26 year-old woman would be.  I'm glad I've surprised them.  I'm glad I gave them something to think about.  I'm glad they see me as one with childlike innocence.

It's a strange feeling, knowing that in many ways you're more innocent than your students who are nearly half your age.  Sure I've got years, experience, and wisdom on them, but in many ways they have worldly experience I haven't had.  And I'm not jealous of that.  I'll savor the fact that I'm not worldly, and thank God for the ways he's protected me.  This is not the first time I've been surprised by my students' worldliness this week.  Earlier there were girls in my classroom talking about a boy:

"I think he's a virgin!" One whispered, as if this were as surprising as saying, "I think he's an alien!"
I smiled from my seat at the computer and spoke without looking at them.  "You know, there's nothing wrong with that.  It's a good thing, you know?  Self control?"
They were a little quiet after that.

I know it's only God who has protected me from heartache and mistakes, both physical and emotional.  I'm sure if left on my own I would not be any different from my students.  I was encouraged this week that I apparently am different, because that's what I've always prayed for my life-- that God would help me to be holy so that others would see that and know the God I serve.  I hope my students see that I'm different and see the God I serve, not a prudish spinster. 

Being a teacher is the strangest, most challenging, most enlightening job ever.

The Musings of Two Single Gals In Starbucks...

I've been off the singleness vein in my blogging for a while.  But today I'm back, as I usually get some good ideas when I talk to my single girlfriends. :)

Over caramel apple cider and a pumpkin scone, I met up with a friend and former colleague at Starbucks.  I hate coffee, by the way.  Random fact.  I love the smell, but the taste makes me shudder.  Just fyi.  But on to more important things...

We have had similar experiences, she and I.  We both moved from the North to the South for our teaching jobs.  We both have hearts pulling from two places.  We both have been single for a long time.  We talked about our jobs, our families, and the excitement of the unknown for our futures.  We talked about what it's like to have lots of married friends.

And then I told her something I've thought for years and never thought to blog about, until now.  Maybe some of you long-single ladies will understand what I mean.  And maybe some of you married ladies, too.

I realize I don't know what it's like to be married-- all the hard work, the fights, the struggles, the aggravations.  I also realize that these things are a normal part of marriage and a marriage probably isn't healthy if the husband and wife don't deal with issues and occasionally fight.

But.  I like to think that by the time I ever get married, I will have waited so long for this man that I won't be able to help looking at him every morning and thinking, I am so glad God brought you to me, and I'm so thankful to have you.  I think (or at least I hope) I will be less likely to take him for granted or become aggravated, and will be more likely to remember he is an answer to years of prayers.

So, just a thought.  Maybe it's just an idealistic thought like when I assumed that if I respected my students, they'd respect me... could be.  Regardless, I hope it's true.  Whomever he is and however long I have to wait to find out.

Excuse Me For My Girly-ness For Just a Moment...

For some reason, many of the cable channels I frequently watch have taken Labor Day weekend to mean Rom-Com weekend.  Which is fine; I just don't understand the parallel.  So as I sat in my apartment crafting away, watching one delightfully cheesy romantic comedy after another, I began to think about the ones I love.  There is a handful of rom-coms that I enjoy more than others, mainly because I had always hoped in that irrational, girly section of my brain/heart that one day I would have a romance just like that.  Hey, a girl can dream.  Though I am quite aware that life isn't the movies and men don't have scripts, here is a list of rom-coms of which I am particularly fond, and find particularly... rom. :)  Sorry this is so sappy-- I'm not always so girly.  I simply got inspired.  Hey, I'm a single girl-- isn't this accepted, if not expected of me?

The Sound of Music

I suppose this is not so much a rom-com as it is a musical, but I have always thought that the story of a woman capturing the hardened heart of a widower with children was just sigh-inducing.  I love the internal war Maria has with her feelings, and how she runs from them, only to later muster up the courage to confront them head-on.  I also love that the straight-laced Captain finds himself in love with the free-spirited Maria.  So sweet.

The Quiet Man

John Wayne's character thinks he's seeing a dream when he spots Maureen O'Hara's red head in an Irish pasture.  It's a bit of a Taming of the Shrew story, and I love those.  She's got a fire in her, and he tames her with tough love.  It's so romantic, but not in a shmaltzy way.  I feel the same about this movie:

McLintock

But for the record I do not advocate domestic violence.  Haha.  But I've always known I'd need a man who could calm me down.  Just maybe not drag me around.

27 Dresses

I think that whole "we hate each other so much but wait, we're starting to realize that we actually are falling in love, and yep look at that, our anger was actually love all along" thing in movies like this is fascinating and there's a part of me that has always wanted it, but maybe not really.  I love this one more than others like it because I relate to Jane more than any other rom-com heroine (over-committed, over-planning, over-controlling, overlooked, and taken-advantage-of), and I also love the way he pursues her relentlessly and tells her what her problem is, straight up.  But loves her anyway.  And also that he has a sweet heart under a rough exterior.  Cute and irresistible.

You've Got Mail 

I suppose this is another hate-each-other-then-love-each-other movie, but I think the way their friendship grows is sweet.  I love how he has fallen for her, but wants to really hook her for real before he tells her it's been him emailing her all along.  I enjoy their believably funny conversations (especially about his handle-- 152 something...):
"Mr. 152 insights into my soul!"
"Maybe he had 152 moles removed and now has 152 pock marks on his face."
"152 people who think he looks like Clark Gable."
"152 people who think he looks like a Clark Bar!"

Emma

They're longtime friends, something I've never had in a guy but have always thought is wonderful (though not often possible).  He chastises her for poor behavior.  She makes him want to be a better man.  Together, they improve each other.  Their love is deeper than passion.  It has a foundation of friendship, which is why I think Mr. Knightley's proposal is the sweetest ever:
"Maybe it is our imperfections which make us so perfect for one another.  Marry me?  Marry me, my wonderful, darling friend."

Return to Me

This is a unique instance where it is not the leading man and woman that I find so wonderful.  In this movie, Bonnie Hunt and Jim Belushi are a couple who have been married a while, with several kids.  I think they are hilarious, as they obviously still love each other and find each other hilarious, even thought they fight.  Both are so drastically imperfect, but so perfect for each other.  Every time I watch the movie, I maintain that I would rather have that than the hyper-romantic relationship of the leading man and woman.

It Happened One Night

This is one of the most hilarious, romantic movies ever.  They are opposites who hate each other (of course) but are thrown together nonetheless.  The dialogue is quick-witted and fast-paced, and again, he doesn't take any of her crap.  Instead he is the strong one she needs, and she softens his manly heart.  Love it so much.  It made me want to get on a bus, fall asleep on a stranger's shoulder, pick a fight, get lost together, and make him admit he loves me against his better judgment.

Win a Date With Tad Hamilton

While completely cheesy, I love that these two were friends for years and years, and Topher Grace's character has been in love with her for a long time.  His jealousy is super cute, though it rarely is in real life, I guess.  But who wouldn't agree that the fact that he knew all 7 of her smiles and what they meant was really adorable?  I always wanted a guy to know and love me that well.

While You Were Sleeping

I adore the friendship that develops between these two as they wait for her "fiance" to awake from his coma.  They share a lot with each other, including a hilarious/romantic scene in which they fall on the ice and he rips his pants.  This led to my friends insisting that we've always wanted a "Bill Pullman moment" with a guy.  And when he tells his comatose brother that he's jealous of him because he has Lucy?  Adorable.

And you know what else?  All these characters had chemistry.  That je ne sais quoi that I can't put my finger on.  Anyway.  I know my life will not play out like any of these movies.  But my one-day romance will be my own story, something written just for me, and I look forward to it.  Excuse the girly-ness.  I just couldn't help myself.  I blame cable TV.

The Backup Plan...

I had an interesting conversation with Bestie the other day.  We were discussing backup plans.  She thought perhaps a girl we knew was sad because her backup plan was getting married.  Interesting, I thought.  She went on to tell me that she had had a backup plan years ago.  Really interesting.

"I don't think I've ever had a backup plan," I stated, a little shocked that I, Planning personified, had never had a backup plan.  And apparently I'm the one who needs one, as Bestie certainly didn't need hers.

See, a backup plan, for those of you who are male or uninformed, is that guy you have always known from way back-- the one who may or may not have had a crush on you, and you may or may not have had a crush on him.  In the back of your mind, he was always the backup in case you couldn't find somebody else-- he'd be decent marriage material.  Maybe he's not your ideal, but he'd be stable, friendly, and true.  And he'd be that peace of mind when your relationships failed, because you knew you wouldn't end up an old maid.  He's the backup plan.

But I didn't/don't have one of those.  Probably because I didn't have guy friends until high school, and even then they were always dating others, so I never really thought about them as potential.  And in college, there were several who had potential, but we were never close enough or... foolish enough to make that kind of pact.  I always wanted a backup plan, because in my twisted, rom-com mind I thought it would be romantic to make a spoken or unspoken pact with a guy friend that if you're not married by a certain age, you'd marry each other.  You know, like if My Best Friend's Wedding had turned out completely differently.  Suddenly you realize your backup plan is the one you've wanted all along.  How romantic.  *gag*

But now I realize, I don't want that at all.  It's settling for second best, and it kind of treats that guy like crap.  I'd rather have nothing if my other option is second best, I think.  I mean, how awkward to think, well, I didn't really want you, but you're all that's left, and I guess you're better than nothing at all.  And if it's more of a "we're best friends who love each other but not that way, and we've made a pact that if we're not married by thirty, we're getting married to each other" kind of pact, then why not just get married before you get to be thirty, since your minds are obviously inclined in that direction, and yes, you do love each other that way?  I don't know, just a thought. 

Don't get me wrong-- I'm not looking down on those who have had/ have backup plans.  Sometimes they're a little unconscious and that guy is just always in the back of your mind as a security blanket.  I get it.  I know Bestie wouldn't have ever really married her backup plan-- she's too wise for that.  And I probably would have made a mental backup plan if I had had that particular guy in my past to fall back on.  But since I didn't and don't, I won't.

I don't want a backup plan because I don't need one.  My life is the life God ordained for me-- not a second-best scenario that I'll need to settle for.  Whether or not my life includes a husband, that will be my life, plain and simple.  No backup plan needed.

Just remind me of this when I turn thirty, okay?

Singles' Regret...

I have two questions for you:

1.  Is it only natural for a woman who has been single for a long time to look back at past "options" and wonder if she's made the right choices?
2.  Have you ever had a really bad idea but went through with it because your curiosity got the best of you?

These questions intersected last night.

I have no idea why, but I decided to sift through my emails and find the correspondences between me and "Roberto" (this is the man I met from "creepychristianguys.com" two years ago during the month-long subscription a friend signed me up for).  I don't know what possessed me, but my curiosity wouldn't be sated until I re-read those emails.  As I read, I started to think, this guy wasn't so bad.  He was smart, funny, and passionate about the Lord.  He was a very attractive man of Cuban descent with striking eyes and a nice smile.  And wow... he was really into me.  I started to doubt myself.  Why did I run from this one?  What if I'd made a mistake?

Before I remembered that all-important fact that I really can't make a mistake because God is in control and won't let me miss the right man, I read the rest of the emails.  And then I remembered why I ran from that one.  He was far too intense, far too fast.  I was reluctant to meet him, but after I finally agreed, he insisted that we meet in this old-fashioned, legalistic manner that I was completely uncomfortable with.  When I explained that all I was thinking about was maybe coffee, he replied,

"Trust me, part of me wants to say, yeah sure.  I'll meet you wherever...whatever it takes, I just wanna meet you.   But you are a girl, a beautiful one might I add, what if....what if this turns into a romance and you end up  (getting tricked into, j/k) becoming my wife.  And then...some time later we have four kids.  Just pretend with me here, I know this is far fetched.  Then these kids grow up and want to have boyfriends and girlfriends, and all this kind of crazy stuff.  I want to set a precedent, now, so that when that time comes, and they ask you and me how this came about, I can say.  Well kids, it turns out that mommy and I met at a Christian dating site because finding a good solid Christian guy or girl was very difficult during those times.  ...When the time came when mommy and I wanted to meet, mommy wanted to bring daddy by the house to show her parents, especially grandpa--since guys can be very deceiving some times.  Actually, this was a bit different since mommy had already exchanged about 17 emails with daddy by this time, so she was quite confident that he was a true Christian and wouldn't harm her or disrespect her.  But it turns out that she could not do that since grandpa lived a thousand miles away.  So she decided to have me come by the house of an older couple who cared about mommy and could have true discernment about what kind of man I was. (change in narrator)  So daddy came by and met with me and this couple, which approved of him, and then I felt even more confident that daddy would show me the respect and honor that was due to me.  We went for a drive around town and and walked on the beach, and daddy was very respectful. (change in narrator)   Thats right, daddy got to see mommy's beautiful red hair against a background of waves and a setting sun, and I took her home safely."

I cringed when I re-read this.  WAY too intense, way too fast.  And more than a little creepy, right (we had sent a lot of emails, but they were very platonic on my end, as usual.  But even for all our emails, this was creepy.)?  I remember being weirded out by this, and having many sessions with Bestie and her then BF.  Why I agreed to meet him, I'll never know.  But we met, and he was nice, but super intense.  Only, you would think that with that much intensity, there would also be chemistry.  But there was really no chemistry.  I can't explain chemistry-- I've asked many people and tried to define it but it escapes me.  It's just that nebulous, inexplicable mutual attraction that is either there... or not.  And it wasn't, even when he kept inching his arm closer and closer until we touched.  Weird.

I remembered my method of running away from this friendship.  He called me, and I didn't pick up.  He called again, days later, and I didn't pick up.  I purposely dodged his calls until he stopped calling.  At the time, I thought that would be a better way to let him down.  What I realize now is that I took the cowardly way out to avoid feeling awkward.  Even though he was too intense and made me feel uncomfortable, he was a good guy and deserved better.  And now I find myself filled with regret, not because I wish I'd been in a relationship with him, but because I wish I'd been less rude.

So... I probably shouldn't have let myself read those old emails.  Even though they satisfied my curiosity about whether or not I should have run from him, they filled me with regret.  I'm sure he doesn't even think of me anymore, but he was my one-and-only-date, so I think of him now and then.  I guess I've learned several things since then:

1.  I know my tendency is to run from men... but I think by now I can trust my instincts and discernment.
2.  If I expect honesty and respect, I should give honesty and respect, even when rejecting.
3.  I can't mess up God's plan for my life.  I haven't missed him and I won't miss him.
4.  Meeting someone from online is not something I am comfortable with... and probably won't ever be comfortable with.
5.  When I am in a relationship someday, I will be very slow to proceed.  And if he's not cool with that, he's not the one for me.

Word of advice: don't mix nostalgia, curiosity, and old emails.  It's a recipe for regret.  Am I alone in this?  Does anyone else have "singles' regret" about how you've ended friendships/relationships?

Sorry, "Roberto;" my bad.

Hello, My Name is Josephine March...

When I was younger, the movie versions of Little Women I had seen painted Jo as a tomboy.  Which is why I never really felt that we had much in common besides our loud mouths.  I was never a tomboy... at all.  And then, I actually read the novel, and I was shocked to often find myself looking into a figurative mirror as her character revealed herself more and more through the pages.  Here and there I would dog-ear the pages and shake my head, amazed that over a hundred years ago Miss Alcott had penned a character that would pinpoint my personality so well.  Let me show you what I mean:

"Jo's ambition was to do something very splendid; what it was she had no idea, as yet, but left it for time to tell her...A quick temper, sharp tongue, and restless spirit were always getting her into scrapes, and her life was a series of ups and downs, which were both comic and pathetic."

This particular quote, I am ashamed to say, quite accurately describes my many weaknesses and seems like a character sketch of my childhood.  

 

"'You won't give anyone a chance,' said Laurie...'You won't show the soft side of your character, and if a fellow gets a peep at it by accident, and can't help showing that he likes it, you treat him as Mrs. Gummidge did her sweetheart-- throw cold water over him-- and get so thorny no one dares touch or look at you.'"

I feel like I've heard these words before... perhaps from my sisters?  Or their husbands?  Except of course they never mentioned Mrs. Gummidge, because who in the world knows who that is?

"...With Jo, brain developed earlier than the heart, and she preferred imaginary heroes to real ones, because, when tired of them, the former could be shut up in the tin kitchen-cupboard till called for, and the latter were less manageable."

I have an over-active imagination.  The heroes in my imagination are always preferable to real men.  Which is why I'm probably still single. 

"'I'm glad you can't flirt; it's really refreshing to see a sensible, straightforward girl, who can be jolly and kind without making a fool of herself.  Between ourselves, Jo, some of the girls I know really do go on at such a rate I'm ashamed of them.  They don't mean any harm, I'm sure; but if they knew how we fellows talked about them afterward, they'd mend their ways, I fancy.'"

I've already shared my opinion of foolish flirting-- you know, that hair-flipping, giddy laughing, silly-girl flirting.  I don't know how to do it, I don't want to do it, and I don't do it.  And I hope I'm respected for it... instead of just seen as a cold-hearted woman.

"Poor Jo, these were dark days to her, for something like despair came over her when she thought of spending all her life in that quiet house, devoted to humdrum cares, a few small pleasures, and the duty that never seemed to grow any easier. 'I can't do it.  I wasn't meant for a life like this, and I know I shall break away and do something desperate if somebody doesn't come and help me,' she said to herself when her first efforts failed, and she fell into the moody, miserable state of mind which often comes when strong wills have to yield to the inevitable."

Hmmm, I've felt this on many a night alone in my apartment.  It is no easy task, yielding to the inevitable.

"...Thirty years seems the end of all things to five and twenty; but it's not so bad as it looks, and one can get on quite happily if one has something in one's self to fall back upon.  At twenty-five, girls begin to talk about being old maids, but secretly resolve that they never will be..."

How did Miss Alcott get inside my head on my twenty-fifth birthday?

See what I mean?  So I finished the book, hoping there would also be some lovely parallel between her happy ending and my future happy ending.  But I realized, I'm not so much a fan of marrying a much-older German professor, so...

Instead I prefer something Jo says.  I hope someday, whether I have my own German professor or facsimile thereof, I too will be able to say, "'Well, the winter's gone, and I've written no books, earned no fortune; but I've made a friend worth having and I'll try to keep him all my life.'"  Although I would also like to write books and earn a fortune.  But hey, I'll just take the lifelong friend.

Well, I love Little Women.  No secret there.  I love finding a literary character I can thoroughly relate to, as well.  But don't think Miss Alcott's point has been lost on me.  She creates four very different sisters for the same reason there are four very different women on "Sex and the City," or "Golden Girls:" because every woman can find one of them to which she can relate.  And when we can relate to one of the March sisters, we can learn one of the lessons the heroines learned... like Jo, who learns to be content with her circumstances, serve others, and become vulnerable.  So maybe I can too. :)

What about you?  Have you ever opened the pages of a book, just to find yourself inside?

Singles' Guilt...

I've tried to make a habit of being candid here, and today is no exception.  I have struggled with something for many years, and I think I'll call it "singles' guilt."  I don't know if I'm the only one who has experienced this or not, because no one really talks about it.  Except me, who was talking about it randomly with Bestie in the pool today.  It just sort of floated to the surface of my mind and I blurted it out, though there was no real connection between my thoughts and our conversation.

Here's the gist:  my parents have given me maybe not everything I've ever wanted, but certainly everything I've needed and more.  Physically, emotionally, and spiritually, they have given me so much.  I'm able to give them very little-- a phone call, a blog shout-out, wise decisions, holiday gifts, faithfulness to the Lord.  I may be able to give back someday when they are aged, but in the meantime, I wish I could give them more to show how thankful I am for what they've done.  It's my opinion that there is a priceless gift a child can give his/her parents, and that's grandchildren.  I know that my mom especially wants grandchildren, and I simply cannot give her the one gift she really wants.  And so I have singles' guilt.

My parents are great in that they don't poke and prod me about meeting someone, settling down, and having kids.  I think they know I have zero control over that timetable, and I also think they know how much I want the same thing.  Though they don't often voice their hope of grandchildren, I know they must think about it.  Their closest friends' children are having babies, while their own children aren't even dating.

It's one thing to personally feel behind in life and to personally want a husband and children.  That I can deal with, but to feel like the fact that my parents want grandchildren and being absolutely powerless to give them that gift is crippling.  I feel a guilt about it, as if it is somehow my fault that I can't provide that gift for my parents.  I know full well it's irrational, but it's a legit feeling.  Singles' guilt is pretty painful.  I imagine it's something like when a husband loses his job and wants more than anything to provide for his wife and family, but cannot find a job, and he watches his family scrape by painfully but with acceptance.  I would like nothing more than to give the joy and happiness that come with grandchildren to my parents.  But I can't.

I suppose this line of thought came up again from the recesses of my mind because I'm thinking about my dad's retirement.  When I think of retired men, I think of grandpas.  When I think of my dad's retirement, I think of the picture I always had in my mind: Dad on the living room floor, playing army with his grandsons, making explosion noises and explaining war tactics; Mom in the kitchen, making cookies with her granddaughters, getting flour everywhere.  And maybe someday that will be a reality.  Until then however, the pain of singles' guilt gnaws at me every now and then.

As I write this, there are tears on my cheeks (though I do admit I've been more emotional lately than I have in a looooong time), but there is also a song playing from my iTunes.  Here are the lyrics, and they say exactly what I'll do in the meantime:

"While I'm Waiting" by John Waller
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

My Alternate Reality...

Well, I've been slacking.  I've been enjoying running from here to there while in Chicago, and frankly haven't given too much thought to my blog.  It's funny how when I am on vacation, it's like I escape to an alternate reality.  In this alternate reality, everyone wants to spend time with me.  I have no bills.  I can eat delicious food without consequences.  I have no real responsibilities.  And it doesn't matter that I'm single.  In my reality it doesn't matter that I'm single either, but it really doesn't matter in my alternate reality.  Why?  I've got family to care for me, I'm so busy I don't even think about it, and I'm not surrounded by happy couples.  So... all that to say, I haven't thought too much about my blog in the last few days.  But I've taken a lot of pictures.  I haven't had a chance to doctor these up, as I am wont to do, but they make me smile:

That's all for now.  I have some deeper thoughts brewing, but they'll have to wait, as I have an alternate reality to enjoy. :)

Move Over, Prince Charming...

Once upon a time, there was a young girl/woman who read Christian romantic fiction.  Led into delusion by poor writing and tacky storytelling, she came to believe that there were men who were paragons of virtuous manliness, handsome beyond compare with chiseled features and luxurious hair, brave warriors... and they were sensitive and knew exactly how to bare their soul in the choicest of words and most sensational turns of phrase.

And then I went to college and realized the myth that is the Christian romantic fiction hero.  I truly have a bone to pick with these writers-- why help young women (or old women, for that matter) fill their minds with expectations that will never be met, making us vulnerable to discontentment?  Regardless of how I now feel about Christian romantic fiction (that's a soap box for another time), it caused me at one point to develop a running list of characteristics I'd like in a future husband.

In the back of my old flowered journal that began eight years ago with the beginning of college, this list is a reminder to me of my youth and my ignorance.  Of course there were sensible things on the list, but here is an example of how detailed my list had become:

34.  Likes pets.
45.  A great storyteller.
64.  Gives bear hugs.

I know, I know.  I'm laughing even as I type.  And yes, there were 71 items on this list.  71.  I was setting myself up for disappointment.  I suppose the list became more of a list of things I appreciate in a man, not necessarily characteristics my future spouse must have.  But my list was a description of Prince Charming.  Yuck.  Who wants a perfect Prince Charming, anyway?  Not me.

If I was still expecting that list of 71 items to be met in one person, I would be concerned for me.  But as God has molded me and shaped me and changed my thinking, he's peppered a bit of reality into my list.  It's funny, because as I was talking to my dear friend over Chick-fil-A in the mall about a month ago, I realized that I'd pared that list down to one thing.  One very important, all-inclusive, umbrella thing:

1.  Is striving to love the Lord more than anything else in this life.

I mean, obviously I have personal preferences.  Like, I would much rather marry someone who makes me laugh than someone who is always serious, and I would much rather marry someone who can carry a conversation than someone who is quiet.  But when I think of what really matters, this is it.  Everything else that truly matters in a spouse trickles down from this.  If I hope he'll be respectful, humble, a good steward, and a servant, these things will naturally occur in a life that is focused on loving the Lord.  That is the one characteristic I am looking for.

And let it be known, I'm also not expecting to find a man my age who has the spiritual maturity of a John MacArthur, either.  I expect that we will learn and grow in the Lord together, and that's part of the partnership adventure.  I think the key word in that one characteristic is striving.  That implies someone who is teachable and zealous, who will make mistakes but learn from them and grow from them.  And it's my hope that this man will be looking for the same one characteristic in his future wife.  Because then our relationship will be built on the one thing that lasts-- not bear hugs, not stories, not pets, but the Lord.

I am confident that God will bless that, and as a reward for my long wait, will not only provide me with a husband who is striving to love the Lord more than anything else in this life, but also a husband who gives pretty good bear hugs, tells good stories, and likes pets. :)

I Just Know What I *Don't* Want...

Is it so wrong that I just don't want to put as much effort into the online dating thing as others do?  I am not a lazy person, I guess I just don't feel the same time crunch or whatever that many of the singles on the sites seem to feel (Single Friend excluded, of course).

Take New Zealand, for example.  Despite my discomfort in the idea of talking on the phone with a complete stranger, he would rather do that than email.  Most people tell me to go for it, what do I have to lose?  Just do it, his accent is cute!  Maybe they're right, but I can't shake the feeling that this is not for me.  The forced, strained, awkward phone calls that could occur-- no thanks.  The vague emails that are uncomfortably mysterious-- hmmm.  Nope.

Is it too much to ask that I will date a real man, face to face?  That we will have real conversation and real chemistry and not have to play the email/phone games?  How will a man ever break down the walls around my heart without looking into my eyes?

I don't think it's too much to ask.  I think if anything, this experiment has solidified my belief that while it may work for some, this whole online singles thing is not for me.  So as funny as this experiment has been, I don't think it will last too much longer.  Too much longer would mean I'm playing games, and that's not what I'm about.

Maybe I'm being stubborn, but that's me.  Say goodbye to New Zealand and the others, because I'll be signing off unreality and entering back into reality-- where I'm sure I'll have just as much to write about.

"Most Likely to be Realistically Idealistic..."

Today was yearbook day.  With eager little fingers, my students thumbed through the pages, hoping to find that magically, their yearbook photo had morphed into something fit for Hollywood, and they'd be forever remembered as the fantastic catch they know they are inside.  Also, they hoped to be in a photo montage, maybe just a few times more than their friends.

Do you remember those days?  Do you remember the wonder and anticipation of every turned page?  And more importantly, do you remember the adrenaline that pumped through your veins when, after a massive yearbook-signing-exchange, you get your book back and wonder if someone will express a year's worth of pent-up love for you?  Maybe that boy/girl you like will actually sign your yearbook, not simply with their name, but with "stay cool," or "have a great summer," or even "never change!"

Sometimes I feel like my life is still a little like that.  Sometimes I still feel the adrenaline of hoping that someone, some day, will express feelings for me.  I still feel wonder and anticipation of the unknown, never knowing when my life will change forever, and not in that my-picture-is-on-THREE-WHOLE-pages kind of change.  Though I find myself ever-jaded and slipping into unfortunate cynicism, I still possess that giddy hopefulness about life that my students possess about the yearbook.

I hope that's a good thing and not a set up for disappointment, like how I felt every single year when I turned to my yearbook photo and realized I still looked like me. :)

"On My Own"...

My apartment complex sent me a notice today with information pertaining to my lease renewal.  They are raising my rent by almost $60 a month.  I'm not an extremely emotional person, but my eyes filled with tears.  Overreaction?  Possibly.  But they also initiated a change of cable/Internet provider, which raised my Internet costs by $30, and I won't even go into the upward-trending cost of utilities.  As a single woman and a teacher in a Christian school, I struggle to make ends meet.  I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to sing along to my iPod.  It happened to be "On My Own" from Les Miserables, so I abruptly turned it to some Train song instead; I was going to a friend's house and didn't want to show up with my cry face.

But I called Mom later.  I told her all of this, voiced my concerns, and even got a bit emotional.  I told her how hard it was for me to be alone, and then it slipped out:

"It's hard because there's no one to take care of me."
"Ah, so that's really it, isn't it?  It's not as much about the money..."  Is essentially what my intuitive mom replied.

And she was right.  Ultimately I know God will provide for me.  I know this because last summer, when I moved into my own place and was a bridesmaid in two weddings (three very expensive, unexpected, budget-unfriendly things), God brought me enough money for each bill, and I survived.  So it's not so much the money thing, though it is unbelievably frustrating to simply make ends meet and not be able to afford travel and other things I so enjoy.  The real trouble is my unmet desire to be cared for by "someone with skin," as my mom put it.

Most every girl wants to be taken care of.  We want someone to provide for us and protect us.  This is why it's very hard, almost unnatural, for me to live on my own.  Though terribly independent, I want to be cared for.  Enigmatic?  Perhaps.  But therein lies my biggest struggle.  Maybe you're thinking, she's back on the discontentment thing again?  Yeah, I am; after all, this is a blog about a single girl's struggles, and though I can't speak for any other single girl, I can certainly be transparent about myself.  This is an ongoing battle.  My victorious moments when I am content in the Lord and I'm trusting Him for the future are only sort-of victorious, because I know inevitably I will be here again with the same old struggle.

But, as with all struggles, the beauty is that God's grace can so clearly be seen.  When I am weak, then I am strong.  God has taken care of me financially, and he will take care of me emotionally.  If he cares enough to balance my checkbook, he cares enough to dry my tears.  It's just a matter of deciding to remember that, and probably steering clear of "On My Own" for just a little while longer.

Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers... Blogs...

I have a new pet peeve.  It may offend some of you, but I just have to get this out there.  When scanning blogs, I get a little irritated at all the baby blogs.  Sure, they're cute.  I am absolutely certain that one day, should the Lord bless me with a child, I will be equally as over the moon as these parents obviously are, but... it's all the same!  I scrolled through about ten of these blogs just now, and each of them touted some new and glorious event in their baby's life, like "Willoughby {they almost always have some weird, unique name} is 3 days and four hours old!" or "Seven just coughed up her first solid piece of mucus!" or "Pooch is a genius!  He just ate a beetle because of its nutritional properties!"

Please.  A photo diary might be cool, or even a unique Look Who's Talking perspective blog, but relating the daily infant minutae is a little much.  Does anyone besides Mommy, Daddy, Grandparents, and maybe Pediatrician really care if Sandollar's bowel movements have been irregular?  Doubt it.

So baby blogs kind of annoy me.  But I love babies.  In fact, maybe a tiny reason why baby blogs are annoying me so much recently is because as of late, I have been feeling out of the baby-loop.  Don't get me wrong-- I can't hear my biological clock ticking (well, not too loudly anyway), but I feel like I have been bombarded with baby imagery and information and news, and it makes me feel a little left out (not an entirely new feeling for me).
 
My married friends aren't quite at the baby stage yet, but the fact is they could be; when they are, I'll be two steps "behind," and life will be forever changed for them and for us.  And then they get to have a baby, this little piece of themselves to love and have love them in return-- plus they're really cute.

I suppose the problem isn't really that I want a baby.  Not now anyway; I'm YEARS from that (let's just focus on one thing at a time.  I think I'll need to find a guy first; that's usually how that works).  I think the real problem is what the real problem always is: discontentment, distrust.  If I were truly content here and now where God has placed me, babies would be enjoyed, but not coveted.  If I really trusted God's plan for me, I would think of babies with hope and anticipation, not anxiety and annoyance.  Guess I'll keep working on that old problem. 

But can I just say, even if I flipped a switch and suddenly found myself completely content and trusting.... I'd still be annoyed at baby blogs.

I Can See Clearly Now...

I have been neglecting my blog.  I have not felt inspired, I have not felt the words, and so I've been avoiding my blog like I avoid anything with mustard in it.  Despite my writer's block, I keep breathing, sleeping, eating, and living and therefore keep thinking about things I could write about, if I were to feel inspired and feel the words.  One of these things is a thought that's been rolling around unfomed in my mind since I left college, and has only recently begun to take shape.  The following are my early thoughts; I may expound on the idea later, but let me know what you think (especially you women who may know exactly what I'm talking about) and if you agree or disagree.

I have come to the realization that I have been misled.  Thinking back to my college days, many a happily married woman gave advice to the eager ears of single young women.  Much of it was useful, and we soaked it up (I was in good company then, unlike now when I am one of only a handful of single women left in my group).  However, I remember many times hearing something along the lines of this:

"When I was fully satisfied in the Lord alone, that's when I met my husband!"
"He came when I stopped looking for him!"
"I didn't meet my husband until I was totally focused on the Lord."

While that may seem like the case for them, I have realized that that is simply wrong.  Here's why:
1.  God is not an "if-then" statement.  There is no "if I do this, then God will do this."  God's will is not contingent upon our actions.  The idea that we must do something in order for God to bless us with something gives us way too much credit and is works-based.
2.  These statements assume that someone can achieve total satisfaction in/focus on the Lord, like a finish line in their faith.  The truth is, it's part of sanctification.  Even when actively striving for satisfaction in/focusing on the Lord, it will not be until heaven that we are fully satisfied in Him and focused on Him.  Therefore there cannot be a point in our lives where we say, "Ah, good.  I'm finally satisfied in God alone, and totally focused on Him.  Now where's my husband?"
3.  These statements can cause young women to pursue the Lord for the wrong reasons.  God tells us in His word that man looks on the outside, but God looks at the heart.  He knows our motivations.  If we are doing our devotions, getting involved in ministry, and worshiping the Lord because we think it will bring us ever-closer to the altar, He knows that, and that pursuit is worthless, as it is selfish and self-seeking.  We must pursue the Lord simply because our relationship with Him is the single most beautiful, satisfying, safe thing in our lives, and the closer we become to Him, the more satisfied we are, and other things seem to fade in comparison to His glory.
4.  These statements insultingly assume that the many godly single women out there are not finding their satisfaction in/focusing on the Lord.  I can think of so many of these women who have proved just the opposite.  So many single Christian women have been examples to me of what a woman after God's own heart looks like, and I am encouraged by them.  To imply that they are not pursuing the Lord because they haven't been blessed with a husband is ridiculous.
5.  Along the same vein, this also implies that all wome who are married are fully satisfied in/focused on the Lord.  I have known many married women who may be believers but leave something to be desired in their pursuit of righteousness.

I wish so badly that I could speak to the young women at Moody and share with them the reality of long-term singleness.  I'd like to tell them how hard it will be, and what they should begin to do and think now to prepare them for the road ahead.  And I would not tell them that when they stop looking/find their satisfaction in the Lord/focus on the Lord they will find Mr. Right.  Because it doesn't work that way.  I'd tell them to simply be faithful where they're at.  Do what God is calling them to do right now.  Grow their relationship with God daily and pursue righteousness.  And if God blesses them with a husband, great.  If not, then He will sustain them and teach them more than they ever thought they'd learn, which is exactly what I am learning now.

Why I Will Not Follow My Heart...

Hello Blogosphere, a.k.a. any of the 20 people who may read this :).  I've been out of town, but nevertheless the wheels in my head have been turning and the contemplative cockles of my heart have not been idle.  I've experienced a good long run of contentment and strength, something that has encouraged me more than I ever thought possible.  That long run has come to a standstill.  Recently I've been struggling with the topic of worth; specifically, my worth.

My name means "worthy of love," but recently, I haven't been so sure.  During college, when my faith grew and I learned more about the God I serve and my relationship with Him, I realized the following nuggets of truth: I have been created in the image of God, and because of that I have worth.  I am not worthy of God's love, because I have rebelled against His Word.  Even so, God loves me, His creation.  Because He loves me, I have worth.  Christ died to save me from my rebellious nature, and because I believe and follow that truth, I receive the full benefits of His love, including eternal life in heaven one day. 

Unfortunately, my heart of hearts believes that I am worthy of love, and because I do not have the love of a man, I must not have worth.  My head knows this is not true.  I know those nuggets of truth you just read-- I know my family loves me, I know God loves me, and I know that my worth must be found in Christ alone.  My heart wrestles with this, and I would venture to say that many other single women struggle with this very issue.  We know the truth about our worth, but choosing to believe it is an entirely enormous feat.  When we read silly books and watch silly movies and TV shows and even walk in the silly mall, we see "evidence" that we are worthless.  Our hearts tell us that if we had worth, a man would find us valuable-- so valuable that he would want us above all others and treasure us forever.  Our hearts tell us that until a man loves us, we are just formless rock, so unlike the diamond who is loved.  Our hearts tell us that if we had worth, men would call us to talk to us, desire to spend time with us, and choose us over other things they value.

The problem is this: the Bible makes it clear that the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked.  So it doesn't matter what my heart tells me-- if what my heart tells me goes against the truth nuggets I've learned from the Word, it's not true.  The Bible also tells me that I should be thinking about whatever is true, not whatever my heart tells me.  So, contrary to pop culture, I will not "follow my heart."  Because my heart tells me that I am worthless simply because I'm not loved by a man.  The truth is, I'm not worthless.  I'm not worthy of God's love, but He gives it to me.  And because He chooses to love me, I have worth, worth greater than that which can be gained by the love of a man.

Save the Hero...

I'd like you to read the following lyrics to "Save the Hero," by Beyonce.  THEN I will give you my two cents worth of information (alright, by now you know my verbosity will probably give you two dollars worth of information).

"I lay alone awake at night
Sorrow fills my eyes
But I’m not strong enough to cry
Despite of my disguise
I’m left with no shoulder
But everybody wants to lean on me.
I guess I’m their soldier.
Well, who’s gonna be mine

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help.
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl…
After she saves the world
After she saves the world.

I bottle all my hurt inside,
I guess I’m living a lie.
Inside my mind each day I die
What can bring me back to life?
A simple word, a gesture
Someone to say you’re beautiful
Come find this buried treasure
Rainbows lead to a pot of gold.

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world.

I’ve given too much of myself
And now it’s driving me crazy
(I’m crying out for help?
Sometimes I wish someone would
Just come here and save me…
Save me from myself

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world."

 The first time I really listened to this song, it resonated deep within me.  Of course, I don't see myself as a hero of any kind, but the lyrics so accurately portray the loneliness of singleness that it gave me pause.  And then I realized, I don't have the luxury of thinking this way anymore.

This song is the way old Amanda used to think.  Self-pitying Amanda would ask herself whose shoulder she could lean on after being the soldier for so many.  It's easy to feel this way, and easy to stay thinking this way.  I'd even go so far as to say it feels good, in a backwards, self-indulgent kind of way of one who takes a twisted pride in her plights.

And then I became aware of how self-pitying and selfish these thoughts were; with that realization, I lost the "luxury" of wallowing in self-pity.  Now I simply know this kind of thinking is not right, and I immediately have to cut off those thoughts when they begin.  You think I exaggerate?  No indeed.  The moment I start thinking, Poor me, I'm all alone.  Whom can I lean on?  Where's my hero?  I have no one.  I'm alone, I literally tell myself to shut up, because when I coddle myself and tell myself those thoughts are okay, I allow myself to travel down a road that no one should go down, a road well-traveled by singles throughout the years.

So, this song resonates deeply with my old self and my tendencies today.  This song is accurate, but not the whole picture.  I think it accurately describes the feelings of many strong, single women... yet when it asks who will save the girl after she saves the world, it doesn't take into consideration the One who has saved me and completed me, the One who is my Rock and Fortress, and ever-present Help in times of trouble.  The One who never leaves me or forsakes me.  The One for whom I live and breathe is more than enough, and I am thankful to say that this song no longer accurately portrays my day-to-day life.  Though I struggle, my thinking has changed.  To God be the glory.

Confessions of a Scaredy-Cat...

"Amanda, you have to stop freaking out every time a guy shows even the slightest sign that he may be interested in you."
"But I don't want to lead anyone on!"
"True, but you can be friends with guys, I mean, that is how you want it to happen, right?"
"Yes, but... if I know I don't want that friend to end up as my husband, then I don't want to give off any... signals."
*eye rolls and sighs all around*

My sisters and I were camped out in the local cozy coffee shop (NOT that name-brand chain, thankyouverymuch), animatedly and loudly discussing the newest issues with which I'm dealing.  Because as you know, though I'm a woman who's never dated, somehow I  have a whole host of issues that have come from that way of life.

Suddenly I nearly shout, "I'M A HOT MESS!!"

Surrounded by cakey muffins and freshly squeezed orange juice (the perfect nightcap), our faces flush from the excessive heat used in Florida establishments during winter, we laughed.  Okay, we cackled.  I think the cashier may have smiled.  It is funny.  I am a hot mess.  My friends are close enough to me that they could reveal this in no uncertain terms.  I love that about them.  As we sat there like cast members of a sit-com, it got me thinking about another unexpected consequence of singleness: fear.

My friends noticed that I don't act like someone who wants to get married.  I am more likely to run from anything that even smells like commitment... whatever commitment might smell like.  You might ask yourself why someone who has always wanted to be married would be so afraid of commitment.  I think it's because the more of life I live, and the more marriages I witness, the more I realize the intensity of such a decision.  While still herself, the married woman is now one with her husband and no longer her own person.  Independence is abandoned in favor of a lifetime of dependence (and companionship).

I get nervous anytime any guy shows even an inkling of interest because I fear getting into something that's not right, not wanted, and not as it should be.  Therefore my first instinct is always to run in the opposite direction, where it's safe, secure, and familiar. 

 Let me give you an example:  picture with me, if you will, the coffee-infused upper floor of a commons area at college.  I am asked to stay just a little bit longer than my friends and talk with a certain boy.  This boy and I had become fast friends in my last semester of school, and for a few weeks I'd begun to expect he felt a little more than friendship.  We sat, and he spoke.  He told me he had started to like me and.... then I zoned out as my mind raced.  I pasted on some kind of sick smile and my eyes glazed over as I heard a little voice in my head cry, "RUN!"  I literally contemplated getting up from the table and running across the plaza into my cozy dorm room.  Fortunately I don't listen to the voices in my head.  I zoned back in.  I was not put at ease by the next thing he said: he had been talking to his father about me.  Serious, much too serious... suffocating... have to get away...  I think God graciously gave me the ability to form the words, "I'm flattered, but I think I need to pray about this before I get into a relationship," and then I met my sisters (the very same ones with whom I still cackle in coffee shops) and recounted the whole event on my bed in my cozy dorm room.  Needless to say, I did not get into a relationship with this boy.  This was odd, considering I was in my last semester at Bible college, a time when most girls start to get a little desperate and assume that if they don't find someone before graduation, they never will.  And here a perfectly funny, charming, cute and friendly boy wanted to pursue me, and I ran.

I don't have a ton of other examples because frankly, I'm not the kind of girl men fawn over (thankfully).  But I know that this fear must shadow my relationships with guys.  My mom has always said I need to smile more, but I don't, because I don't want guys to get the wrong idea, or I don't want to start something that I'm afraid to finish.  I think I'm friendly enough, but maybe this is also why I don't flirt (see previous post on flirting).  I suppose the longer I am single, the worse this fear will get, as I will continue to live independently and the fear of giving that up and the fear of the unknown will only grow. 

Yet I know that perfect love casts out fear... so this "hot mess" will need two very important things in order to take a leap of faith into eternal commitment some day.  First, God will have to steadily remove my fear and replace it with trust in Him and trust in my eventual spouse. Secondly, some very strong, VERY patient man will have to ease my fears.  He'll have to be strong enough to tame "the shrew," and patient enough to want to stick it out until the fear is gone.  Until then, I'm grateful to be able to live the independent life now... I may feel like a lost cause, but I know that really, if I continue to trust in the Lord, He will truly remove my fears, because His love is perfect.

I Smell a Change in the Wind... or on My Screen...

About, oh, maybe a year ago {?} I started writing a "book" on singleness.  Really it started as a pamphlet, written more as an extended journal entry and rant than anything else.  I was in the middle of dealing with some pretty strong emotions: anger, bitterness, sadness, disappointment, insufficiency, hurt, pride.  Most of my friends were in serious relationships, my roommate was dating seriously (which led to engagement), and I... well, I was still alone, unpursued, unattached.  While I'd never experienced anything more than one DTR (define-the-relationship, for those of you out of the Moody-speak loop) in my entire high school and college experience, the idea of being the "last one" was new for me; I was working through it with typing fingers and whirling mind gears.

There were nights of tears.  There were pleading prayers.  There was depression.  There was selfishness.  And now, as I change directions with my "book," it is fascinating to look back and see how my writing process mirrored my own process and progress.  My writing started as something for me, something to make me feel better and a way for me to work through my hurt.  While I thought I was focusing on the right things: moving forward, enjoying singleness, etc, what I find now is simply that I was altogether too me-focused.

Every month or two I'd pick up the "book" again... subtracting something that just wasn't right, adding something I'd learned in the meantime.  And when I look at the words before me now, on a bleach-white, bare, electronic page, I must apply the newest, most important lesson (nay, hurdle) I've learned in my life as a single woman.  What would be the point of my writing another book on singleness to sit on the nightstand of a single woman, for her to read before she goes to bed alone?  She'd be armed with more superficial artillery against her depression-- that "I'm not alone" feeling soothes for a time.  But with what would she really be left, when more of her girlfriends get married, and she truly is the last one?

With my own growth and struggles and victories and triumphs, I have found that it's just not enough to read the words of someone else; it is not enough to try to help myself.  No, there is one source that is sufficient for me and for other women to live and love their life of singleness: that is God's Word.  And so, my "book" has taken a new direction.  From here on out, I'll be using my musings and anecdotes only to introduce the meat that has satisfied me and truly changed my perspective-- I'm writing a devotional.  I don't want it to be one of those light, fluffy, cheesy devotionals that a single woman will pick up, read for three minutes with her breakfast and forget about by the time she hits traffic.  I want it to be a meaty, intense, truth-packed collection of real-life issues and lessons backed not by experience or feelings but the Word of God.

The only way to change perspective, the only way to find joy and contentment, is through His Word... so why would I steer women from that and towards my musings alone?  I can't in good conscience.  So there it is.  The winding road of my journey has changed me, and I do want to communicate that with other women.  But very simply, I didn't change myself.  God's Word changed me.  It is my true prayer and hope that women with similar struggles will be changed as well.

Musings on a Christmas Tree...

The scent of "fresh balsam" fills my apartment and Nat King Cole is crooning from my iPod. Twinkling nostalgically on my little tree are the colorful lights I put up this evening, by myself. As I sit here, these melodies remind me of joyfully trimming the tree my with my brother and father (after Mom had very bravely put up the lights), laughing over old ornaments and trying to sing "O Tannenbaum" in German or quoting the Beatles' Christmas album. It was one of my most favorite things to do... ever. And this year I put up my tree alone. Suddenly I realized I have become one of those women I would see in movies and on TV who lived alone and trimmed their Christmas trees alone-- like Lucy in While You Were Sleeping, or Kathleen in You've Got Mail. Or even that creepy character on ER years ago named Amanda who was in love with Dr. Green and was kind of stalking him.
And with this realization comes a dull ache. I think it's the ache of the in-between. Miles separate me from my dear family, the ones with whom I built and kept and enjoyed traditions. Time separates me from my future family, the ones with whom I will build and keep and enjoy new traditions. I am in-between, and alone.
There is a quote from Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol that says something about how Christmastime is a time above all others where "abundance rejoices and want is most keenly felt." While this is referring to basic needs, I think it applies to emotional needs as well. Families rejoice in their abundance of love and togetherness. Husbands and wives rejoice in the abundance of blessing they've been given. And the want of family is felt keenly. The want of a spouse is felt keenly.
I truly have no room for complaints, as my needs are met and my family is healthy, though far away. And yet, to write with candor, I find that ache in my heart as I listen to ancient carols and deck the halls. I have no promise that next Christmas, or the Christmas after that, or the Christmas after that I will have someone with whom I will trim the tree. But I am not truly alone. I have the presence of the very one whose birth is the reason for our celebration; and that is more than enough. I have to preach that to myself at this time of year especially, but it is truth. If you find yourself in the in-betweens, or far from family, or simply alone, it is my prayer for you and myself that we would find our satisfaction in Christ Jesus and not pine for the things we don't have and wish to have. The blessings we have in Him are abundant, and we want for nothing.