Anticipation...

ANTICIPATION: how I both love and hate this concept.

I love anticipation because of that feeling I get on Christmas Eve.  You know those little exciting flutters in your belly that let you know that something really special/fun/happy is coming?  I think I still love Christmas Eve more than Christmas Day for that very reason.  Each year I stand in my parents' foyer, the multicolored twinkle lights on the towering tree behind me, Bing or Nat crooning around me, and I pull back the lace curtains.  I peek out at the snow (hopefully) falling softly and my brother faithfully lighting the lumenaria in the little paper bags down our driveway.  I smile and feel a sense of warm anticipation about the special day that will come in the morning. 

When I was a small child, my parents couldn't even tell me when exactly Christmas was because I'd keep myself awake every night with that same anticipation.

Call me weird (it's OK, go ahead-- I know you do anyway), but I even get that feeling about walking into bookstores or libraries.  I anticipate all the new information I'll find and the worlds that will be opened up to me, and oh, do those butterflies abound!

But then, I hate anticipation.  I went to my first "Howl-O-Scream" at Busch Gardens with HTB on our one-year dating anniversary (because nothing's more romantic than being chased by zombies through haunted houses, right?).  I wasn't actually scared in any of those haunted houses, no matter how grotesque or gruesome they were.  Sure I screamed when they jumped out at me, because who doesn't scream when that happens?  But what gave me sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach was the anticipation of the unknown.  What would they do to me?  What would it be like?  When will they pop out at me?  Will I actually die in this haunted house?  What if HTB makes me go first?  I hated that anticipation.  It ate at me as we waited in line for the first house, and a creepy "vampire" tried to chit chat with me about the scarf around my neck.  I nervously played along, but really I just wanted to not anticipate the unknown anymore.  Turns out it was all fun, but I didn't know it would be.

This is also why, when playing hide-and-go-seek as a child, I'd walk into a dark room and shout, "Don't jump out at me!" because I hated the anticipation of the unknown-- just knowing I was going to be scared, but not knowing when or how or by whom.

And if one event has ever given me more reason to both love and hate anticipation, it's this engagement time.  I just love anticipating all the fun stuff.  I get that Christmas Eve feeling about my wedding showers, and setting up my little apartment as our tiny "love nest," and thinking about the fun of the actual wedding day itself.  I have those giddy butterflies thinking about being married and being a wife to HTB, and making a life together.  Having children and living our days out together are all things that give me those warm fuzzy anticipatory feelings...

Until I start to anticipate the unknown: the fights, the hard times, the hard work it will take to stay best friends for the rest of our lives, the unknown challenges, the physical ailments, the things that could go wrong on our wedding day, financial worries...

This anticipation thing is so weird.  How can I both love and hate the feeling?  I guess the anticipation I love is when I'm anticipating something familiar, something I know to be good from either personal experience or word-of-mouth.  And I suppose the anticipation I hate is when I'm anticipating something unknown-- something I either fear or have heard negative things about from others.  I guess what I'm getting at is that I need to remember familiar, good things I know will come with the wedding and marriage, and not sweat the unknown, because it's just that: unknown.  Who's to say my experiences will be anything like those around me?  And knowing my God, I do know for sure that it will be good, because God created marriage, and marriage itself is good.

Now in the meantime, I do need to guard myself against a common mistake I made as a child.  I let the anticipation of Christmas Eve grow to such an extent that when Christmas came and went, I was left with the day-after-Christmas-blues.  After such great anticipation, there is nothing left to anticipate and therefore an emptiness where those fun butterflies used to be.  I don't want the let-down of December 26th (for those of us who don't celebrate Boxing Day) on January 13th... or any other day thereafter.  I hope I always anticipate the rest of my life with the best kind of anticipation, and that every new year brings the butterflies that indicate something very special/fun/happy is coming.  Though it may be unknown, it will be good.  Why?  Because I have God's Word on that, and I have HTB by my side.

He Said, "Will You?" and I Said, "Yes."...

Somehow, in the last seven months, my dreams have begun to come true.  Not my nighty-night sleep-tight dreams, but my hopes and dreams.  First, a friend of mine became more than a friend.  Second, we fell in love with each other.

And now, we are getting married.

You read correctly-- GETTING MARRIED!!!!!

Somehow God saw fit for this man

To love this woman

For the rest of our lives.  :)

I can hardly believe it!  It seems unreal, like a nighty-night sleep-tight dream!  After all the planning for others, watching most of my friends pair off in wedded bliss, it is now my turn, and I can hardly fathom it!

"The story!" you say?  Of course I'll oblige.

I'll start by admitting, I was very surprised.  I had thought it might happen this summer, perhaps when BF (wait... he's now fiance, but I'd rather not call him "F."  haha.  I'll have to think on this one-- any suggestions?) would come to visit Chicago.  With that being said, I had a few sneaking suspicions. 

1.  He said he had a skype appointment yesterday... I thought perhaps he was asking my parents for permission to marry me... but surely he wouldn't ask yet.

2.  He said he had bought me something I couldn't have yet while he was in Las Vegas.  But surely he wouldn't give me a ring yet.

3.  He did some mysterious texting that I thought could have been giving some select people heads' up, but I thought, not yet, not when he's leaving tomorrow!

But he still surprised me.  I love this story, because it's pretty funny to me.  I think things didn't go as he planned, and he panicked a little when he actually proposed, which is so cute.  We were at the driving range, practicing golf swings (let's just say I made him look really talented).  He had planned to "tie his shoe" and kneel and propose, but there were too many people around.  He said that as the bucket of golf balls dwindled, he began to panic!  We ended up in his car, ready to go to Rita's for some frozen custard (mmmm), when he handed me his glove and said, "You need one of these-- try this on so I can see what size to get you."  There was something lumpy in it.  I pulled out a red die with white dots and looked at him quizzically.  He said it was something from Las Vegas.  I said, "really?"  And he said, "no."  I was puzzled, but whatever.  He's been known to do/say stranger things. 

I peered over at whatever he was texting, and he insisted that I show him my texts.  I gave him my phone and he snatched it and stuck it in his pocket.  When I asked for it back, he rummaged around in his pocket, mumbling something about, "it will take a second," and I legitimately thought my phone was stuck in his pocket until he said:

"Oh, I forgot to tell you, I got you something else when I was in Las Vegas..." and he pulled out a ring and held it up.  That's right, sitting in the front seat of his Trans Am, he pulled out a ring.  I stared.  I mean really, I just stared for several seconds, then squeaked out, "really?!" a couple times.  I think I couldn't believe it was actually happening, and I was surprised at the way he did it-- though not displeased.

You need to know that when he is nervous, he literally loses the ability to speak how he would normally speak, like when he asked me out and there were lots of long pauses.  So he finally eeked out, "Will you?" just before I almost said, "Is there something you want to ask me?"  Of course I said yes. 

I was shaking.  I couldn't believe it, as I put that ring on my finger, that this was real, that this was my life!  We headed over to Rita's, and despite the fact that I was no longer hungry, I wolfed down my cone as we chatted, still reeling over what had just happened.

It turns out, he'd had a plan, but when it didn't work out, it threw him off, hence his "will you".  So when he relaxed a bit, he told me why he wants to marry me (for the record, he thinks I'm wonderful, and I don't think he's too bad himself), and back at my place he got down on one knee and said, "will you marry me," just to make sure I got to experience that.  It's hard to get down on one knee in the front seat of a Trans Am.  But I wouldn't have changed a thing.  It also turns out that the die is in reference to a comment a friend made at a wedding last week after I didn't catch the bouquet (on purpose, because I hate that).  She said, "I'm sorry, but the die is cast."  She knew I'd be next, and she was right!

So we set a tentative date in January.  He picked that so I could have one last Christmas with my family, which I thought was very caring, but every time I mention that, someone thinks it sounds like they're going to die or something.  That's nice.  Then began the phone calls.  I called my mom, then all my bridesmaids, then every one of the families in my extended family, then texted a select group of other friends. 

We went over to Bestie's house and Bestie Jr. and her husband came too.  We toasted to January, and to us, and we laughed and squealed and giggled... and that was just BF!  JK, the guys pretended to stab themselves with kitchen knives.

After skyping with my parents and brother, we had some alone time to just sit and soak in this big change.  It's really exciting, and so fun to bring such joy to others.  But part of me is still nervous, knowing that marriage is a huge commitment and a big responsibility, and it's for life.  I wouldn't want to spend my life with anyone else, but it's very overwhelming.

And telling my students was fun.  I had them play hangman and when they figured it out, their faces lit up.  I had students ask to be my ring bearers and flower girls, but my favorite was when a student ran into the hall shouting, "She got bling!"

I did.  But even more than the bling, I got HIM.  And my dreams are coming true.

The Musings of Two Single Gals In Starbucks...

I've been off the singleness vein in my blogging for a while.  But today I'm back, as I usually get some good ideas when I talk to my single girlfriends. :)

Over caramel apple cider and a pumpkin scone, I met up with a friend and former colleague at Starbucks.  I hate coffee, by the way.  Random fact.  I love the smell, but the taste makes me shudder.  Just fyi.  But on to more important things...

We have had similar experiences, she and I.  We both moved from the North to the South for our teaching jobs.  We both have hearts pulling from two places.  We both have been single for a long time.  We talked about our jobs, our families, and the excitement of the unknown for our futures.  We talked about what it's like to have lots of married friends.

And then I told her something I've thought for years and never thought to blog about, until now.  Maybe some of you long-single ladies will understand what I mean.  And maybe some of you married ladies, too.

I realize I don't know what it's like to be married-- all the hard work, the fights, the struggles, the aggravations.  I also realize that these things are a normal part of marriage and a marriage probably isn't healthy if the husband and wife don't deal with issues and occasionally fight.

But.  I like to think that by the time I ever get married, I will have waited so long for this man that I won't be able to help looking at him every morning and thinking, I am so glad God brought you to me, and I'm so thankful to have you.  I think (or at least I hope) I will be less likely to take him for granted or become aggravated, and will be more likely to remember he is an answer to years of prayers.

So, just a thought.  Maybe it's just an idealistic thought like when I assumed that if I respected my students, they'd respect me... could be.  Regardless, I hope it's true.  Whomever he is and however long I have to wait to find out.

Confessions of a Scaredy-Cat...

"Amanda, you have to stop freaking out every time a guy shows even the slightest sign that he may be interested in you."
"But I don't want to lead anyone on!"
"True, but you can be friends with guys, I mean, that is how you want it to happen, right?"
"Yes, but... if I know I don't want that friend to end up as my husband, then I don't want to give off any... signals."
*eye rolls and sighs all around*

My sisters and I were camped out in the local cozy coffee shop (NOT that name-brand chain, thankyouverymuch), animatedly and loudly discussing the newest issues with which I'm dealing.  Because as you know, though I'm a woman who's never dated, somehow I  have a whole host of issues that have come from that way of life.

Suddenly I nearly shout, "I'M A HOT MESS!!"

Surrounded by cakey muffins and freshly squeezed orange juice (the perfect nightcap), our faces flush from the excessive heat used in Florida establishments during winter, we laughed.  Okay, we cackled.  I think the cashier may have smiled.  It is funny.  I am a hot mess.  My friends are close enough to me that they could reveal this in no uncertain terms.  I love that about them.  As we sat there like cast members of a sit-com, it got me thinking about another unexpected consequence of singleness: fear.

My friends noticed that I don't act like someone who wants to get married.  I am more likely to run from anything that even smells like commitment... whatever commitment might smell like.  You might ask yourself why someone who has always wanted to be married would be so afraid of commitment.  I think it's because the more of life I live, and the more marriages I witness, the more I realize the intensity of such a decision.  While still herself, the married woman is now one with her husband and no longer her own person.  Independence is abandoned in favor of a lifetime of dependence (and companionship).

I get nervous anytime any guy shows even an inkling of interest because I fear getting into something that's not right, not wanted, and not as it should be.  Therefore my first instinct is always to run in the opposite direction, where it's safe, secure, and familiar. 

 Let me give you an example:  picture with me, if you will, the coffee-infused upper floor of a commons area at college.  I am asked to stay just a little bit longer than my friends and talk with a certain boy.  This boy and I had become fast friends in my last semester of school, and for a few weeks I'd begun to expect he felt a little more than friendship.  We sat, and he spoke.  He told me he had started to like me and.... then I zoned out as my mind raced.  I pasted on some kind of sick smile and my eyes glazed over as I heard a little voice in my head cry, "RUN!"  I literally contemplated getting up from the table and running across the plaza into my cozy dorm room.  Fortunately I don't listen to the voices in my head.  I zoned back in.  I was not put at ease by the next thing he said: he had been talking to his father about me.  Serious, much too serious... suffocating... have to get away...  I think God graciously gave me the ability to form the words, "I'm flattered, but I think I need to pray about this before I get into a relationship," and then I met my sisters (the very same ones with whom I still cackle in coffee shops) and recounted the whole event on my bed in my cozy dorm room.  Needless to say, I did not get into a relationship with this boy.  This was odd, considering I was in my last semester at Bible college, a time when most girls start to get a little desperate and assume that if they don't find someone before graduation, they never will.  And here a perfectly funny, charming, cute and friendly boy wanted to pursue me, and I ran.

I don't have a ton of other examples because frankly, I'm not the kind of girl men fawn over (thankfully).  But I know that this fear must shadow my relationships with guys.  My mom has always said I need to smile more, but I don't, because I don't want guys to get the wrong idea, or I don't want to start something that I'm afraid to finish.  I think I'm friendly enough, but maybe this is also why I don't flirt (see previous post on flirting).  I suppose the longer I am single, the worse this fear will get, as I will continue to live independently and the fear of giving that up and the fear of the unknown will only grow. 

Yet I know that perfect love casts out fear... so this "hot mess" will need two very important things in order to take a leap of faith into eternal commitment some day.  First, God will have to steadily remove my fear and replace it with trust in Him and trust in my eventual spouse. Secondly, some very strong, VERY patient man will have to ease my fears.  He'll have to be strong enough to tame "the shrew," and patient enough to want to stick it out until the fear is gone.  Until then, I'm grateful to be able to live the independent life now... I may feel like a lost cause, but I know that really, if I continue to trust in the Lord, He will truly remove my fears, because His love is perfect.

Holding Out For a Hero...

Alright single ladies. I'm going to be candid here. Every time I have made a big change in my life, I have thought, "maybe here and maybe now I will meet my future husband." When I started Moody I thought certainly he would be found somewhere within those walls. When I moved to Florida, I thought absolutely he would be waiting for me here. And at each junction, the Lord has said, "Nope. Not yet. My timing. Wait on My timing." I don't usually think, "maybe when I round this corner, I'll bump into him," or "maybe when I get on this plane, he'll sit next to me." But sometimes I do. And if you are a single girl and are honest with yourself, you'd probably nod your head too. I don't know why we do that-- the irrepressible spirit of hope within us? Our blind expectations for the future? Our trust in God? Beats me. But I definitely thought about this tonight... twice.

First, I was sitting in church and noticed someone I'd never seen before. He was really good- looking. Very, very good- looking. In fact, he reminded me of a young Marlon Brando (see picture and swoon). I didn't meet him, don't know his name, and probably will never meet him. I didn't look at him and think, "that's my future husband," because that would be silly. Also, I am pretty sure that someone who looks like Marlon Brando wouldn't be looking at me. Regardless, it reminded me, quite happily, that at any moment, God (if He in His infinite wisdom would choose to do so) could drop someone into my life. He could indeed meet me around a corner. He may very well sit next to me on a plane. He could possibly shake my hand on a Sunday. And this thought bouyed my hope and trust.

Then I was wandering around Target looking for mousse and other such necessities while chatting with Mom on the phone. Conversation had gone its normal route when suddenly she told me that a friend of hers had instructed her not to buy the Thanksgiving turkey until I get there, because she believed that that's where I was going to meet my husband... at the grocery store. We laughed, because this friend of hers is a funny, free- spirited type and she means well. And I really laughed, given the thoughts I'd already been thinking about God and His infinite wisdom. I was quite amused. I doubt I'll meet my husband while finding the perfect frozen bird at Jewel. But maybe I will. Regardless, I'm not going to hold my breath, but I will keep "holding out for a hero" with faith that God's timing is perfect, and whether we meet at a grocery store, on a plane, at church, or wherever, it will be as it should be, because it is designed by God.

From Irrational Fears to Real Issues...

It all started in my best friend's car when I was discussing the possibility of getting a haircut. I hemmed and hawed with her about the pros and cons of cutting my long, curly red hair.
"But I have waited so long for my hair to grow out! It takes so long and I love it long. I rarely complain about it when it's long."
"So keep it long..."
"But I'd love to cut it into a cute angled bob like that girl in my apartment building."
"So cut it..."
"But..." I paused. I hated to admit what I was going to say next. I said it anyway. "This is stupid, and you're going to laugh, but... I have this fear that I'm going to cut my hair, and then immediately afterward I will meet the man of my dreams and we will quickly date and then I would get married, and my hair would be short, and I've always wanted long hair for my wedding!"
There was a brief silence as the car hummed its way to the mall. Then we erupted in laughter.
"That is totally irrational!"
"I know!"
After our giggles died down, there was another silence. I spoke up again.
"The problem is I just can't commit! Or I make impulse decisions. There's no in-between. And this does not bode well for my future..."
Giggles again.
"Hopefully this does not mean I will impulsively marry or not be able to commit to the right one... I actually think I have way more issues than anyone with no dating experience should have. You know, by not dating, I have saved myself from tons of emotional and physical issues... but by not dating, I have also developed tons of issues. Experiencing years of rejection by omission has kind of played havoc on me..."
We laughed. And we felt like we were on a sit-com. But truly, these issues are real, and as I sat there thinking of them, I thought maybe I should warn young, single women to be aware of these potential hazards of singleness.
As a single young woman, I'd made an art of guarding my heart. As my best friend's husband put it, I'd put the Berlin wall around my heart and snipers on top, shooting down all those who'd try to climb in. This was good, in that I was not swayed by potential suitors who would only break my heart and take pieces with them. This was bad, in that I removed any vulnerability when it came to relationships with guys, thereby appearing cold-hearted.
I haven't yet come up with a good solution for a young woman who wants to wait to date until she has met someone who meets God's standards for her... a solution that would keep her open and soft-hearted rather than closed-off and distanced... but when I do, be certain I'll blog about it.