Why I Will Not Follow My Heart...

Hello Blogosphere, a.k.a. any of the 20 people who may read this :).  I've been out of town, but nevertheless the wheels in my head have been turning and the contemplative cockles of my heart have not been idle.  I've experienced a good long run of contentment and strength, something that has encouraged me more than I ever thought possible.  That long run has come to a standstill.  Recently I've been struggling with the topic of worth; specifically, my worth.

My name means "worthy of love," but recently, I haven't been so sure.  During college, when my faith grew and I learned more about the God I serve and my relationship with Him, I realized the following nuggets of truth: I have been created in the image of God, and because of that I have worth.  I am not worthy of God's love, because I have rebelled against His Word.  Even so, God loves me, His creation.  Because He loves me, I have worth.  Christ died to save me from my rebellious nature, and because I believe and follow that truth, I receive the full benefits of His love, including eternal life in heaven one day. 

Unfortunately, my heart of hearts believes that I am worthy of love, and because I do not have the love of a man, I must not have worth.  My head knows this is not true.  I know those nuggets of truth you just read-- I know my family loves me, I know God loves me, and I know that my worth must be found in Christ alone.  My heart wrestles with this, and I would venture to say that many other single women struggle with this very issue.  We know the truth about our worth, but choosing to believe it is an entirely enormous feat.  When we read silly books and watch silly movies and TV shows and even walk in the silly mall, we see "evidence" that we are worthless.  Our hearts tell us that if we had worth, a man would find us valuable-- so valuable that he would want us above all others and treasure us forever.  Our hearts tell us that until a man loves us, we are just formless rock, so unlike the diamond who is loved.  Our hearts tell us that if we had worth, men would call us to talk to us, desire to spend time with us, and choose us over other things they value.

The problem is this: the Bible makes it clear that the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked.  So it doesn't matter what my heart tells me-- if what my heart tells me goes against the truth nuggets I've learned from the Word, it's not true.  The Bible also tells me that I should be thinking about whatever is true, not whatever my heart tells me.  So, contrary to pop culture, I will not "follow my heart."  Because my heart tells me that I am worthless simply because I'm not loved by a man.  The truth is, I'm not worthless.  I'm not worthy of God's love, but He gives it to me.  And because He chooses to love me, I have worth, worth greater than that which can be gained by the love of a man.

From Irrational Fears to Real Issues...

It all started in my best friend's car when I was discussing the possibility of getting a haircut. I hemmed and hawed with her about the pros and cons of cutting my long, curly red hair.
"But I have waited so long for my hair to grow out! It takes so long and I love it long. I rarely complain about it when it's long."
"So keep it long..."
"But I'd love to cut it into a cute angled bob like that girl in my apartment building."
"So cut it..."
"But..." I paused. I hated to admit what I was going to say next. I said it anyway. "This is stupid, and you're going to laugh, but... I have this fear that I'm going to cut my hair, and then immediately afterward I will meet the man of my dreams and we will quickly date and then I would get married, and my hair would be short, and I've always wanted long hair for my wedding!"
There was a brief silence as the car hummed its way to the mall. Then we erupted in laughter.
"That is totally irrational!"
"I know!"
After our giggles died down, there was another silence. I spoke up again.
"The problem is I just can't commit! Or I make impulse decisions. There's no in-between. And this does not bode well for my future..."
Giggles again.
"Hopefully this does not mean I will impulsively marry or not be able to commit to the right one... I actually think I have way more issues than anyone with no dating experience should have. You know, by not dating, I have saved myself from tons of emotional and physical issues... but by not dating, I have also developed tons of issues. Experiencing years of rejection by omission has kind of played havoc on me..."
We laughed. And we felt like we were on a sit-com. But truly, these issues are real, and as I sat there thinking of them, I thought maybe I should warn young, single women to be aware of these potential hazards of singleness.
As a single young woman, I'd made an art of guarding my heart. As my best friend's husband put it, I'd put the Berlin wall around my heart and snipers on top, shooting down all those who'd try to climb in. This was good, in that I was not swayed by potential suitors who would only break my heart and take pieces with them. This was bad, in that I removed any vulnerability when it came to relationships with guys, thereby appearing cold-hearted.
I haven't yet come up with a good solution for a young woman who wants to wait to date until she has met someone who meets God's standards for her... a solution that would keep her open and soft-hearted rather than closed-off and distanced... but when I do, be certain I'll blog about it.