"On My Own"...

My apartment complex sent me a notice today with information pertaining to my lease renewal.  They are raising my rent by almost $60 a month.  I'm not an extremely emotional person, but my eyes filled with tears.  Overreaction?  Possibly.  But they also initiated a change of cable/Internet provider, which raised my Internet costs by $30, and I won't even go into the upward-trending cost of utilities.  As a single woman and a teacher in a Christian school, I struggle to make ends meet.  I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to sing along to my iPod.  It happened to be "On My Own" from Les Miserables, so I abruptly turned it to some Train song instead; I was going to a friend's house and didn't want to show up with my cry face.

But I called Mom later.  I told her all of this, voiced my concerns, and even got a bit emotional.  I told her how hard it was for me to be alone, and then it slipped out:

"It's hard because there's no one to take care of me."
"Ah, so that's really it, isn't it?  It's not as much about the money..."  Is essentially what my intuitive mom replied.

And she was right.  Ultimately I know God will provide for me.  I know this because last summer, when I moved into my own place and was a bridesmaid in two weddings (three very expensive, unexpected, budget-unfriendly things), God brought me enough money for each bill, and I survived.  So it's not so much the money thing, though it is unbelievably frustrating to simply make ends meet and not be able to afford travel and other things I so enjoy.  The real trouble is my unmet desire to be cared for by "someone with skin," as my mom put it.

Most every girl wants to be taken care of.  We want someone to provide for us and protect us.  This is why it's very hard, almost unnatural, for me to live on my own.  Though terribly independent, I want to be cared for.  Enigmatic?  Perhaps.  But therein lies my biggest struggle.  Maybe you're thinking, she's back on the discontentment thing again?  Yeah, I am; after all, this is a blog about a single girl's struggles, and though I can't speak for any other single girl, I can certainly be transparent about myself.  This is an ongoing battle.  My victorious moments when I am content in the Lord and I'm trusting Him for the future are only sort-of victorious, because I know inevitably I will be here again with the same old struggle.

But, as with all struggles, the beauty is that God's grace can so clearly be seen.  When I am weak, then I am strong.  God has taken care of me financially, and he will take care of me emotionally.  If he cares enough to balance my checkbook, he cares enough to dry my tears.  It's just a matter of deciding to remember that, and probably steering clear of "On My Own" for just a little while longer.

Save the Hero...

I'd like you to read the following lyrics to "Save the Hero," by Beyonce.  THEN I will give you my two cents worth of information (alright, by now you know my verbosity will probably give you two dollars worth of information).

"I lay alone awake at night
Sorrow fills my eyes
But I’m not strong enough to cry
Despite of my disguise
I’m left with no shoulder
But everybody wants to lean on me.
I guess I’m their soldier.
Well, who’s gonna be mine

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help.
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl…
After she saves the world
After she saves the world.

I bottle all my hurt inside,
I guess I’m living a lie.
Inside my mind each day I die
What can bring me back to life?
A simple word, a gesture
Someone to say you’re beautiful
Come find this buried treasure
Rainbows lead to a pot of gold.

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world.

I’ve given too much of myself
And now it’s driving me crazy
(I’m crying out for help?
Sometimes I wish someone would
Just come here and save me…
Save me from myself

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world."

 The first time I really listened to this song, it resonated deep within me.  Of course, I don't see myself as a hero of any kind, but the lyrics so accurately portray the loneliness of singleness that it gave me pause.  And then I realized, I don't have the luxury of thinking this way anymore.

This song is the way old Amanda used to think.  Self-pitying Amanda would ask herself whose shoulder she could lean on after being the soldier for so many.  It's easy to feel this way, and easy to stay thinking this way.  I'd even go so far as to say it feels good, in a backwards, self-indulgent kind of way of one who takes a twisted pride in her plights.

And then I became aware of how self-pitying and selfish these thoughts were; with that realization, I lost the "luxury" of wallowing in self-pity.  Now I simply know this kind of thinking is not right, and I immediately have to cut off those thoughts when they begin.  You think I exaggerate?  No indeed.  The moment I start thinking, Poor me, I'm all alone.  Whom can I lean on?  Where's my hero?  I have no one.  I'm alone, I literally tell myself to shut up, because when I coddle myself and tell myself those thoughts are okay, I allow myself to travel down a road that no one should go down, a road well-traveled by singles throughout the years.

So, this song resonates deeply with my old self and my tendencies today.  This song is accurate, but not the whole picture.  I think it accurately describes the feelings of many strong, single women... yet when it asks who will save the girl after she saves the world, it doesn't take into consideration the One who has saved me and completed me, the One who is my Rock and Fortress, and ever-present Help in times of trouble.  The One who never leaves me or forsakes me.  The One for whom I live and breathe is more than enough, and I am thankful to say that this song no longer accurately portrays my day-to-day life.  Though I struggle, my thinking has changed.  To God be the glory.

Musings on a Christmas Tree...

The scent of "fresh balsam" fills my apartment and Nat King Cole is crooning from my iPod. Twinkling nostalgically on my little tree are the colorful lights I put up this evening, by myself. As I sit here, these melodies remind me of joyfully trimming the tree my with my brother and father (after Mom had very bravely put up the lights), laughing over old ornaments and trying to sing "O Tannenbaum" in German or quoting the Beatles' Christmas album. It was one of my most favorite things to do... ever. And this year I put up my tree alone. Suddenly I realized I have become one of those women I would see in movies and on TV who lived alone and trimmed their Christmas trees alone-- like Lucy in While You Were Sleeping, or Kathleen in You've Got Mail. Or even that creepy character on ER years ago named Amanda who was in love with Dr. Green and was kind of stalking him.
And with this realization comes a dull ache. I think it's the ache of the in-between. Miles separate me from my dear family, the ones with whom I built and kept and enjoyed traditions. Time separates me from my future family, the ones with whom I will build and keep and enjoy new traditions. I am in-between, and alone.
There is a quote from Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol that says something about how Christmastime is a time above all others where "abundance rejoices and want is most keenly felt." While this is referring to basic needs, I think it applies to emotional needs as well. Families rejoice in their abundance of love and togetherness. Husbands and wives rejoice in the abundance of blessing they've been given. And the want of family is felt keenly. The want of a spouse is felt keenly.
I truly have no room for complaints, as my needs are met and my family is healthy, though far away. And yet, to write with candor, I find that ache in my heart as I listen to ancient carols and deck the halls. I have no promise that next Christmas, or the Christmas after that, or the Christmas after that I will have someone with whom I will trim the tree. But I am not truly alone. I have the presence of the very one whose birth is the reason for our celebration; and that is more than enough. I have to preach that to myself at this time of year especially, but it is truth. If you find yourself in the in-betweens, or far from family, or simply alone, it is my prayer for you and myself that we would find our satisfaction in Christ Jesus and not pine for the things we don't have and wish to have. The blessings we have in Him are abundant, and we want for nothing.