Like A Lady Gaga Song...

It grew on me, slowly yet unexpectedly, like a Lady Gaga song.

Have you ever had the perfect half of a simile?  I have.  For the past few days the above was the half of a simile I'd thought up... the only problem was I couldn't finish it.  I couldn't think of anything legitimate that could complete the analogy.  Until tonight, when what God was trying to teach me grew on me, slowly yet unexpectedly, like a Lady Gaga song... and now forgive the irreverent analogy.  I just had to use it.  So let me explain:

While I sang the memorized words, my mind numbly traveled elsewhere-- what would I wear tomorrow? All creatures of our God and King, lift up your voice and with us sing-- did I have enough Weight Watcher's points for crackers when I got home? I will worship you Lord, only you Lord...The familiar words poured out of my mouth while my heart, only having just begun to crack at its foundations, was stony and cold.  My eyes glazed over as they fixed past the heads of students to the illuminated screen bearing the very same words that fell so vacantly from my mouth.

In that inexplicable way the Holy Spirit has of doing  things, suddenly the words I'd been singing from memory penetrated my heart.
Take my fret
Take my fear
All I have I'm leaving here.
Be all my hopes
Be all my dreams
Be all my delights
Be my everything
It washed over me, coming slowly yet suddenly, unexpectedly.  Use any metaphor you like-- the lights went on, the dam in my heart burst, it was a catalyst-- whatever.  The point is, I got it.  I finally got what the Holy Spirit must have been trying to communicate to my stubborn, blind heart for so long.

For the past I-don't-know-how-long, I have been fixated and focused on my unfulfilled dreams, future hopes and seemingly unattainable goals.  All my dreams and hopes have distracted me from the ONE THING that is needed.  They were unwittingly hedonistic, blanketed by good intentions.  In my pursuit of goals (however good they may be), I abandoned my First Love.  My dreams and goals in and of themselves aren't bad.  But it's been off, the perspective skewed and the priorities whacked.  And so no more restlessness.  No more fretting.  No more obsessing about what to do, where, when, and how.  Now it's just God.  Just pleasing Him.  I have a sneaking suspicion that when my priorities are back in line, my other goals won't matter so much anymore.  All the things I want to do?  Who really cares.  I'll do my best to redeem my time, seize the day, and live life, but my dreams aren't eternal and they have been too ME focused.

So here are some of my new goals:  I want to worship God in...
WORK-- always do my best and give my best effort, keep a good attitude even when it's hard, share the gospel with more students
FREE TIME-- spend more of it in prayer, don't waste my time on foolishness, use it wisely.
SPEECH-- stop being so sarcastic, be more encouraging.
THOUGHTS-- stop thinking so much of myself, stop daydreaming so often of the future and possibilities and stop being jealous of my imagined future life, memorize and meditate on Scripture more often.
DISCIPLESHIP-- be a good example to the girls, work harder at spending more time with them and reach out more to them.

I've been saying that I am going through an identity crisis-- a quarter-life crisis, and that I don't know what I want to do with my life.  That's not true.  I know who I am.  I'm a woman who has been saved from her sin, redeemed by grace through faith by her Savior, Jesus Christ.  I was born to worship him with my life.  And I want to be a fully-devoted follower of Christ.

This epiphany comes "coincidentally" on the traditional Epiphany holiday.  I found that to be a funny little reminder of God's perfect timing and understated sense of humor. 

I'll leave you with the verses I found in my mind last night and I've been meditating on them ever since:
Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.-- Philippians 4:4-7
The requests I've brought to God are my new-found resolutions and goals.  And this peace will guard my heart and mind against the following evils with which I've been struggling, sapping my strength and resolve: bitterness, complacency, selfishness, pride, jealousy, anger, and discontentment.

Many of my posts have been about my struggles, and I'm sure many more will continue along that vein.  But tonight's post is a triumph, an epiphany of something God's been trying to teach me for a while.  He finally got through to me, and I hope and pray you will be as encouraged as I (maybe not learning the same lesson that I've learned) by God's faithfulness to teach us, mold us, and shape us as we grow in him, and in his goodness that he guards our hearts and minds with his peace.

Goals and Great Gain...

I just had a conversation with my mom, during which I uttered the words, "I don't want to be a 60-year-old woman and not have done all the things I had hoped to do." I don't know why I chose that age, except that it seemed old to me at that moment, but I was speaking about my latest entrepreneurial idea. I've had dozens and dozens of these kinds of ideas-- things I'd love to do, but I lack the funds, the time, and the courage I suppose. I'd love to accomplish even half of these things, but as I sat and thought I realized that there are other, more important things I should be thinking about having accomplished by the time I'm a 60-year-old woman. For example: I do not want to be a 60-year-old woman who has not become a prayer warrior; a 60-year-old woman who has not discipled young women; a 60-year-old woman who has not given of her time, money, and talents to the Lord. Those are the most important things for me to accomplish in my lifetime-- the rest are just the icing on the cupcake. Mostly, as I sit here and type away, I realize that "godliness with contentment is great gain." If I can do these more important things, I think the activities and entrepreneurial ideas that escape me and never get done just won't matter much anymore. So perhaps I'll be a 60-year-old woman who has done little else than serve her church, teach her students, and give her time, money and talents to the Lord. Maybe I will have never opened my cupcakery, or have sold my fashion designs or photography, or even had anything published. If God can grant me godliness with contentment, I will have gained more than the sum of those lesser things.

{Sugar Bloom Cupcakes}