It Means Everything...

I met with a friend and coworker for dinner at Panera today.  We discussed the book we're currently going through-- Humility by C.J. Mahaney.  It's a butt-kicker book, for sure, but we're used to that.  This particular chapter focused on Christ's atoning work on the cross.  It seems that lately, God has wanted me to focus on that.  It's easy to take it for granted when you grow up in the church.  So I've been thinking about it quite a bit, and what came to my mind today was this:

Picture Christ: the sinless Son of God who left the glory of heaven to live on earth and experience trials and temptations, hunger, thirst, and fatigue. He knows the end of the road leads to a torturous death and complete separation from the Father as he takes on the sins of mankind and experiences the wrath of God to become our righteousness so that we might have the opportunity to repent and believe and have a relationship with God. And yet he is willing to experience all of this to reconcile us, the sinful, the profane, to God. Then he will rise again to conquer death and return to the Father, victorious.

Now picture this man walking towards his death.  He carries the crossbeam on the back that has been ripped to shreds already by whips in the hands of sinners.  Silently he walks to the place where he will atone for the sins of the mankind.  People on the left and right spit on him, mock him, insult him.  People on the left and right for whom he was about to die.  People on the left and right that he created.  People on the left and right like you and me.  And then he was crucified.  He endured not only the physical agony of the cross but the far greater agony of separation from the Father when he carried my sins, your sins, our sins, and the Father forsake him.  With a victory cry he said, "It is finished," and gave up his spirit; the Lamb of God was slain.

And what I find so unbelievable, so insulting, and so sad, is that people have the audacity to look at that and say in effect, "That didn't happen, that isn't important, that means nothing."

It means everything.  It changed everything. 

And I just wanted to leave you with that thought tonight.

The "Gulf War"...

One of the hardest things about singleness is not among the first that might come to your mind.  Not being cared for?  Sure.  Uncertainty of the future?  Of course.  Feeling rejected?  Obviously.  But something I've been pondering lately is a blow I never saw coming: a feeling of disconnection.

Without trying, the marrieds have separated themselves.  They do not intend to exclude, nor do they wish ill-will on us, the single.  However, it remains that the marrieds talk about married things.  They're buying houses.  They're buying furniture.  They're having children.  They're making decisions.  They're laying foundations.  This is the stuff of their lives, stuff about which I'm unaware.  I'm living month-to-month in my rented apartment.  I have no idea where I'll be in a year.  I have neither tie nor foundation.

Trying to overcome this disconnection is an endeavor; as a single you are not the priority.  Their spouse is, as it should be.  After regular responsibilities and spousal accomodations, whatever time is left may or may not be used to catch up with single friends, and when they do catch up, there's that whole I'm-in-a-different-phase-of-my-life-than-you obstacle to overcome.  You have to struggle to imagine the minutae of marital bliss, and they have to struggle to remember the idiosyncracies of singleness.

With my closest married friends, this isn't as big of an issue.  We make the effort to regularly spend time together, with and without the spouse.  We were friends before the spouse and we'll be friends for years to come.  Yet I notice it even so.  I don't know if marrieds are as aware-- I doubt it.  I think they have their own disconnect with other marrieds.  But when I am out with my married friends and I find myself as the only single, I feel a palatable separation that is, while unintentional, completely difficult to handle at times.

Mostly I choose to ignore it and move on.  What can be done?  If I'm doing my best to love them and spend time together, and the disconnection remains, what can be done?  This is a question for which I have no answer. 

I'm not sure there is an answer.  This disconnection shouldn't be an excuse to spend time with only singles, or to shun marrieds, or to wallow in self-pity.  I think this gulf between married and single is natural and normal, but I didn't anticipate it.  It's probably something I'll get used to over time.  The gulf will probably grow over time when children are added. 

But what this disconnect has reminded me is that I can be comforted in the fact that Jesus Christ has bridged the gulf of sin between me and God.  The mild separation I experience between my married friends and me is painful, but nothing in comparison with what those without Christ must experience.  I will be forever thankful to my Savior for giving himself for me to give me that relationship with God.  No matter how disconnected I may feel from my married friends, I am promised that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate me from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ.

Like A Lady Gaga Song...

It grew on me, slowly yet unexpectedly, like a Lady Gaga song.

Have you ever had the perfect half of a simile?  I have.  For the past few days the above was the half of a simile I'd thought up... the only problem was I couldn't finish it.  I couldn't think of anything legitimate that could complete the analogy.  Until tonight, when what God was trying to teach me grew on me, slowly yet unexpectedly, like a Lady Gaga song... and now forgive the irreverent analogy.  I just had to use it.  So let me explain:

While I sang the memorized words, my mind numbly traveled elsewhere-- what would I wear tomorrow? All creatures of our God and King, lift up your voice and with us sing-- did I have enough Weight Watcher's points for crackers when I got home? I will worship you Lord, only you Lord...The familiar words poured out of my mouth while my heart, only having just begun to crack at its foundations, was stony and cold.  My eyes glazed over as they fixed past the heads of students to the illuminated screen bearing the very same words that fell so vacantly from my mouth.

In that inexplicable way the Holy Spirit has of doing  things, suddenly the words I'd been singing from memory penetrated my heart.
Take my fret
Take my fear
All I have I'm leaving here.
Be all my hopes
Be all my dreams
Be all my delights
Be my everything
It washed over me, coming slowly yet suddenly, unexpectedly.  Use any metaphor you like-- the lights went on, the dam in my heart burst, it was a catalyst-- whatever.  The point is, I got it.  I finally got what the Holy Spirit must have been trying to communicate to my stubborn, blind heart for so long.

For the past I-don't-know-how-long, I have been fixated and focused on my unfulfilled dreams, future hopes and seemingly unattainable goals.  All my dreams and hopes have distracted me from the ONE THING that is needed.  They were unwittingly hedonistic, blanketed by good intentions.  In my pursuit of goals (however good they may be), I abandoned my First Love.  My dreams and goals in and of themselves aren't bad.  But it's been off, the perspective skewed and the priorities whacked.  And so no more restlessness.  No more fretting.  No more obsessing about what to do, where, when, and how.  Now it's just God.  Just pleasing Him.  I have a sneaking suspicion that when my priorities are back in line, my other goals won't matter so much anymore.  All the things I want to do?  Who really cares.  I'll do my best to redeem my time, seize the day, and live life, but my dreams aren't eternal and they have been too ME focused.

So here are some of my new goals:  I want to worship God in...
WORK-- always do my best and give my best effort, keep a good attitude even when it's hard, share the gospel with more students
FREE TIME-- spend more of it in prayer, don't waste my time on foolishness, use it wisely.
SPEECH-- stop being so sarcastic, be more encouraging.
THOUGHTS-- stop thinking so much of myself, stop daydreaming so often of the future and possibilities and stop being jealous of my imagined future life, memorize and meditate on Scripture more often.
DISCIPLESHIP-- be a good example to the girls, work harder at spending more time with them and reach out more to them.

I've been saying that I am going through an identity crisis-- a quarter-life crisis, and that I don't know what I want to do with my life.  That's not true.  I know who I am.  I'm a woman who has been saved from her sin, redeemed by grace through faith by her Savior, Jesus Christ.  I was born to worship him with my life.  And I want to be a fully-devoted follower of Christ.

This epiphany comes "coincidentally" on the traditional Epiphany holiday.  I found that to be a funny little reminder of God's perfect timing and understated sense of humor. 

I'll leave you with the verses I found in my mind last night and I've been meditating on them ever since:
Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.-- Philippians 4:4-7
The requests I've brought to God are my new-found resolutions and goals.  And this peace will guard my heart and mind against the following evils with which I've been struggling, sapping my strength and resolve: bitterness, complacency, selfishness, pride, jealousy, anger, and discontentment.

Many of my posts have been about my struggles, and I'm sure many more will continue along that vein.  But tonight's post is a triumph, an epiphany of something God's been trying to teach me for a while.  He finally got through to me, and I hope and pray you will be as encouraged as I (maybe not learning the same lesson that I've learned) by God's faithfulness to teach us, mold us, and shape us as we grow in him, and in his goodness that he guards our hearts and minds with his peace.

Reaching the (Supposedly Reached) Unreached...

There is a people group that are being ignored by the Christian masses. This group is not located in a distant jungle, atop a mountain, the remote tundra, or the epic desert. The group to which I am referring is the civilized western Europeans.

Despite the rich and legendary Christian threads woven into their tapestry, these countries have effectively eliminated God from their lives, leaving less than 1% of born-again believers among most European countries. That means that most African and Middle-Eastern countries have a higher percentage of Christians than the European countries which have taken their religious freedom for granted for centuries.

The Irish (despite their St. Patrick, who brought Christianity to the Celtic pagans) have a cover of Catholic religiosity and Protestant violence, but the brokennes, alchoholism, and emptiness hangs over the country as thick as the fog that hangs over the fields.

The German (despite being the birthplace of the Reformation) have all but abandoned their heritage of Christianity in favor of Post-Modernism.

The French, the Italian, the Greek... all of these countries are united in more than their currency system. They have abandoned the faith they once had, and because they are not a third-world country, because they speak a recorded language, and because they have the freedom to believe in Christianity if they choose, they are ignored.

I would even go so far as to say that some Christians turn their nose up to those who would be missionaries in Europe, as if they "can't take the heat," or are looking for a posh assignment in missionary-dom. That kind of attitude is ridiculously uncalled for and ungodly. As if those in Europe didn't need the gospel as much as someone in the Congo. I believe the great commission told believers to go into ALL the world, not just the remote corners. The missionary to Europe faces different challenges than his brother in the Amazon, but they are challenges just the same. Hearts are hard, probably harder than most. Europeans are well-off, and believe they have all they need-- why come to Christ? They argue with intellectual stubbornness that an aboriginal tribe wouldn't possess.

This is a frustration of mine, this is a passion of mine. This is something I want to see change.