I Can See Clearly Now...

I have been neglecting my blog.  I have not felt inspired, I have not felt the words, and so I've been avoiding my blog like I avoid anything with mustard in it.  Despite my writer's block, I keep breathing, sleeping, eating, and living and therefore keep thinking about things I could write about, if I were to feel inspired and feel the words.  One of these things is a thought that's been rolling around unfomed in my mind since I left college, and has only recently begun to take shape.  The following are my early thoughts; I may expound on the idea later, but let me know what you think (especially you women who may know exactly what I'm talking about) and if you agree or disagree.

I have come to the realization that I have been misled.  Thinking back to my college days, many a happily married woman gave advice to the eager ears of single young women.  Much of it was useful, and we soaked it up (I was in good company then, unlike now when I am one of only a handful of single women left in my group).  However, I remember many times hearing something along the lines of this:

"When I was fully satisfied in the Lord alone, that's when I met my husband!"
"He came when I stopped looking for him!"
"I didn't meet my husband until I was totally focused on the Lord."

While that may seem like the case for them, I have realized that that is simply wrong.  Here's why:
1.  God is not an "if-then" statement.  There is no "if I do this, then God will do this."  God's will is not contingent upon our actions.  The idea that we must do something in order for God to bless us with something gives us way too much credit and is works-based.
2.  These statements assume that someone can achieve total satisfaction in/focus on the Lord, like a finish line in their faith.  The truth is, it's part of sanctification.  Even when actively striving for satisfaction in/focusing on the Lord, it will not be until heaven that we are fully satisfied in Him and focused on Him.  Therefore there cannot be a point in our lives where we say, "Ah, good.  I'm finally satisfied in God alone, and totally focused on Him.  Now where's my husband?"
3.  These statements can cause young women to pursue the Lord for the wrong reasons.  God tells us in His word that man looks on the outside, but God looks at the heart.  He knows our motivations.  If we are doing our devotions, getting involved in ministry, and worshiping the Lord because we think it will bring us ever-closer to the altar, He knows that, and that pursuit is worthless, as it is selfish and self-seeking.  We must pursue the Lord simply because our relationship with Him is the single most beautiful, satisfying, safe thing in our lives, and the closer we become to Him, the more satisfied we are, and other things seem to fade in comparison to His glory.
4.  These statements insultingly assume that the many godly single women out there are not finding their satisfaction in/focusing on the Lord.  I can think of so many of these women who have proved just the opposite.  So many single Christian women have been examples to me of what a woman after God's own heart looks like, and I am encouraged by them.  To imply that they are not pursuing the Lord because they haven't been blessed with a husband is ridiculous.
5.  Along the same vein, this also implies that all wome who are married are fully satisfied in/focused on the Lord.  I have known many married women who may be believers but leave something to be desired in their pursuit of righteousness.

I wish so badly that I could speak to the young women at Moody and share with them the reality of long-term singleness.  I'd like to tell them how hard it will be, and what they should begin to do and think now to prepare them for the road ahead.  And I would not tell them that when they stop looking/find their satisfaction in the Lord/focus on the Lord they will find Mr. Right.  Because it doesn't work that way.  I'd tell them to simply be faithful where they're at.  Do what God is calling them to do right now.  Grow their relationship with God daily and pursue righteousness.  And if God blesses them with a husband, great.  If not, then He will sustain them and teach them more than they ever thought they'd learn, which is exactly what I am learning now.

To Flirt or Not to Flirt...

Flirting is in the eye of the beholder. Or the ears of the hearer... I guess I mean the senses of the senser. Flirting was this nebulous entity when I was in high school-- something I could never quite wrap my mind around in order to actually practice it, and certainly I'd never recognize it if I received it. And then there was college, where conditions were ripe for flirting just about every time one exited his or her dorm. The flirtation cloud hung low over the campus, showering the students when they least expected it. Walking through the SDR (student dining room) was like walking through a hormone-charged battlefield and one might not get through meal without a flirting battle wound.

My only real experience with flirting was watching girls do it around good-looking guys, and it made me want to throw up all over their excessively smiley faces and perky personalities. They would giggle, poke fun, purposefully annoy (how is this an effective flirtation strategy? Yet I've seen it done so often!), pout, and flatter. This was flirting? Then what about the times I'd be out with friends and we'd leave a store and one would say, "He was totally flirting with you!" Bewildered, I would think, he smiled at me and made a joke... that was flirting? There were no giggles, no flattering! Hence, my confusion.

I remember having conversations with the girls on my floor about flirting... I was never really sure what constituted actual flirting, officially, and if there was a line in the sand that, once crossed, meant that now I was flirting. I wasn't a moment ago, but yes, now I am. We came up with three realities regarding flirting that I still kind of hold to today, but I must be honest-- flirting is still as foreign and unnatural to me as it was when I was a teenager. It is, at its essence, an attempt to get a member of the opposite sex to notice and become interested in you. We can see that clearly when young children push each other down and run away in order to be chased. But everything gets foggier when you get older. So here are the three realities about flirting I've come up with:

1. Flirting is in they eye of the beholder. I've already made this statement, but it's a good one, don't you think? I know this to be true, because every single man and woman I have asked, "what is flirting?" has given me a completely different answer. To some, it's speaking in double-entendres (ew). To others, it's laughing at their jokes. Still others look for body language-- hair flips, head tilts, proximity, that good-old arm slap. To some it is witty banter. And then there are some who will take a mere smile to be flirting. And this is where flirting is in the eye of the beholder: if one wants to be flirted with, then they will find a way to sense flirtation. They will see a smile as only for them, they will sense witty banter to mean there's a deep, interpersonal connection, they will see a hair toss as "please date me; I'm all yours." I do have personal experience in this area. It haunts me today and is part of what led me to #2, as you'll read in a moment. I will never forget the moment I was sitting at our bro/sis table in college. It was after dinner and we were talking and goofing off, as we were wont to do. I was wearing my hair in braided pigtails for whatever reason, and playing with the tips. Girls do that, and especially I do do that, as after I eat and I am enjoying conversation, it is necessary for me to find something with which I can occupy my hands. And then we all begin a conversation on this very topic: what is flirting? That's when they boy across from me looked pointedly at me and smiled. "I heard it's when a girl plays with her hair!" Instantly I reddened and dropped my hands to my lap. I was definitely not flirting. But he wanted me to be; how do I know? He asked me out shortly thereafter.

2. My girlfriends and I decided that, unless we were truly interested in the guy (and assuming that if we were we could even figure out how to flirt), we would do our best not to give out flirtatious vibes. Why? Because why would I want to get a guy I'd never date interested and then have to shoot him down? Or why would I want to flirt with someone who would shoot me down? I guess it boils down to self-preservation and those Berlin Walls around my heart again, but there's an element of loving our brothers there too. This is where some of my girlfriends differ, however. Some of them believe that we should practice flirting with anything male that moves (okay, maybe not that broad). "Why?" I ask them. "To practice," they tell me. I don't really think that's a good enough reason to play with the hopes and emotions of guys. I don't need the bit of self-esteem rush you get when someone flirts back (not that they do either... just saying...). So I don't. Many of my friends have tried to get me to flirt with Baldy, but I won't do it for two very good reasons: I'm afraid of rejection; also I'd probably never actually date him. So why put myself out there if I'm not even serious. Those are the kinds of games girls play that make guys think we're crazy.

3. When girls decide not to flirt with boys until they want a specific boy to flirt back, I have found that they actually do practice flirting. With each other. I know that sounds weird, but girls, be honest. How many times have you told your girlfriends, "That outfit makes you look hot!" or, "How you doin,'" and then laughed about it? Of course it's never serious, as you'd never actually flirt with a girl... but it's as if it's a safe environment in which a girl can practice her flirting without ever actually roping a guy in. Ideal! Ideal? Not really, because it all goes back to #1, and no one really knows what truly constitutes flirting anyway. It's possibly one of the most ambiguous things on the planet, like the the existence of the Yeti, or Carrot Top's humanity.

Bottom line: if someone wants to be flirted with, they'll perceive things that way. Therefore, I steer clear of flirtatious behavior so as not to mislead men. And therefore, I very rarely pick up on men flirting with me. I'm just as clueless about flirting as I ever was. Maybe that's what makes it so irresistibly interesting...?

The Mealtime Memories...

I can still smell big burgers and fries (and sometimes noodles and garlic bread) when I think of some of my favorite memories. My memories paint me walking through the sunless, fluorescent tunnels of Moody, rounding that corner where maybe you'll spy a cute boy coming from the boys' dorm, and then up the ramp to the glorious meadow of tile where sunlight peeked in and people swarmed from every direction with one mind: food. If it was indeed "Big Burger Thursday" at lunchtime, the line into the SDR curled back around into the bowels of the tunnels, back towards the areas only Food Service ever dared to trod. There seemed to be a haze of gluttony hanging over each college student, for we had smelled the big burger and fries from the courtyard, and followed its aroma to the tunnels. We would stand in line chatting with our friends, but secretly we were planning our burgers and mentally strategizing our way through the SDR, praying the lines would move quickly or that they wouldn't run out of that blessed colby jack cheese.
Finally the meal-ticket-puncher would punch-punch the meal out of my card, and then it was every Moody student for himself. Mentally arming myself, I'd walk straight to the lefthand side, as everyone knew the righthand side had the leftover junk that only those too lazy for the big burger line would touch. Tray. Knife. Fork. Napkins. And boom, I was in line, ready to go. Wait, slow down just a tad so as not to look too eager in front of potentially good-looking boys.
At last, some joyful Food Service worker would slap that patty on the bun, and I would be free to add condiments. Then the fries. Add colby jack cheese, and another slice just for me to eat, simply because it wasn't over-processed orange plastic like what they offered for sandwiches.
Then came the quick eye-sweep of your bro-sis table (the Moody phenomenon of seating arrangements that yielded a high quotient of flirtatious activity) to scope out your eating buddies, and then the seat choice. Choosing wisely, I would sit as closely to the center as possible. One by one, the seats filled in. Boys and girls taking lunch breaks from their classes would revel in the rare mid-day opportunity to converse.
Perhaps it was due to the difficulty of classes, perhaps it was the unique Moody "bubble," or maybe it's just that college students are weird-- whatever the reason, I found that mealtimes were rife with moments of hilarity. Witty things were said, ridiculous things were said, hermeneutical things were said. For those with a penchant for witty banter, this was their stage. Laughter, flirting, more laughter, done with food, back for an apple, play with leftovers, rip up napkins... an hour and three rounds of people later, they would begin to shut off the lights. A Food Service employee would stealthily spray disinfectant just far enough to not poison you, yet just close enough to make you want to leave.
If it was dinner, it would be even longer and include one or two food fights and more relaxed conversation, as there were no pending classes after the meal. And once the lights shut off and the spray bottle came out, there would be the inevitable and predictable trip to CPO to check for mail, and hopefully a love note. Laugh through the tunnels past the creepy exposed and yet strangely brightly painted pipes, almost run into people around the corner, do some tunnel shenanigans after another disappointing CPO run, and then say goodbye at the junction of the dorms. Up the elevator for a night of girly hilarity on the floor... with another day of the same ahead. I would smile.
Don't ask me why my favorite memories bring me back here. It's possibly the pseudo family this world created, the comforting routine, the joyful relationships... whatever it is, it is treasured in my memory-- the mealtime memories.