Confessions of a Scaredy-Cat...

"Amanda, you have to stop freaking out every time a guy shows even the slightest sign that he may be interested in you."
"But I don't want to lead anyone on!"
"True, but you can be friends with guys, I mean, that is how you want it to happen, right?"
"Yes, but... if I know I don't want that friend to end up as my husband, then I don't want to give off any... signals."
*eye rolls and sighs all around*

My sisters and I were camped out in the local cozy coffee shop (NOT that name-brand chain, thankyouverymuch), animatedly and loudly discussing the newest issues with which I'm dealing.  Because as you know, though I'm a woman who's never dated, somehow I  have a whole host of issues that have come from that way of life.

Suddenly I nearly shout, "I'M A HOT MESS!!"

Surrounded by cakey muffins and freshly squeezed orange juice (the perfect nightcap), our faces flush from the excessive heat used in Florida establishments during winter, we laughed.  Okay, we cackled.  I think the cashier may have smiled.  It is funny.  I am a hot mess.  My friends are close enough to me that they could reveal this in no uncertain terms.  I love that about them.  As we sat there like cast members of a sit-com, it got me thinking about another unexpected consequence of singleness: fear.

My friends noticed that I don't act like someone who wants to get married.  I am more likely to run from anything that even smells like commitment... whatever commitment might smell like.  You might ask yourself why someone who has always wanted to be married would be so afraid of commitment.  I think it's because the more of life I live, and the more marriages I witness, the more I realize the intensity of such a decision.  While still herself, the married woman is now one with her husband and no longer her own person.  Independence is abandoned in favor of a lifetime of dependence (and companionship).

I get nervous anytime any guy shows even an inkling of interest because I fear getting into something that's not right, not wanted, and not as it should be.  Therefore my first instinct is always to run in the opposite direction, where it's safe, secure, and familiar. 

 Let me give you an example:  picture with me, if you will, the coffee-infused upper floor of a commons area at college.  I am asked to stay just a little bit longer than my friends and talk with a certain boy.  This boy and I had become fast friends in my last semester of school, and for a few weeks I'd begun to expect he felt a little more than friendship.  We sat, and he spoke.  He told me he had started to like me and.... then I zoned out as my mind raced.  I pasted on some kind of sick smile and my eyes glazed over as I heard a little voice in my head cry, "RUN!"  I literally contemplated getting up from the table and running across the plaza into my cozy dorm room.  Fortunately I don't listen to the voices in my head.  I zoned back in.  I was not put at ease by the next thing he said: he had been talking to his father about me.  Serious, much too serious... suffocating... have to get away...  I think God graciously gave me the ability to form the words, "I'm flattered, but I think I need to pray about this before I get into a relationship," and then I met my sisters (the very same ones with whom I still cackle in coffee shops) and recounted the whole event on my bed in my cozy dorm room.  Needless to say, I did not get into a relationship with this boy.  This was odd, considering I was in my last semester at Bible college, a time when most girls start to get a little desperate and assume that if they don't find someone before graduation, they never will.  And here a perfectly funny, charming, cute and friendly boy wanted to pursue me, and I ran.

I don't have a ton of other examples because frankly, I'm not the kind of girl men fawn over (thankfully).  But I know that this fear must shadow my relationships with guys.  My mom has always said I need to smile more, but I don't, because I don't want guys to get the wrong idea, or I don't want to start something that I'm afraid to finish.  I think I'm friendly enough, but maybe this is also why I don't flirt (see previous post on flirting).  I suppose the longer I am single, the worse this fear will get, as I will continue to live independently and the fear of giving that up and the fear of the unknown will only grow. 

Yet I know that perfect love casts out fear... so this "hot mess" will need two very important things in order to take a leap of faith into eternal commitment some day.  First, God will have to steadily remove my fear and replace it with trust in Him and trust in my eventual spouse. Secondly, some very strong, VERY patient man will have to ease my fears.  He'll have to be strong enough to tame "the shrew," and patient enough to want to stick it out until the fear is gone.  Until then, I'm grateful to be able to live the independent life now... I may feel like a lost cause, but I know that really, if I continue to trust in the Lord, He will truly remove my fears, because His love is perfect.