Without trying, the marrieds have separated themselves. They do not intend to exclude, nor do they wish ill-will on us, the single. However, it remains that the marrieds talk about married things. They're buying houses. They're buying furniture. They're having children. They're making decisions. They're laying foundations. This is the stuff of their lives, stuff about which I'm unaware. I'm living month-to-month in my rented apartment. I have no idea where I'll be in a year. I have neither tie nor foundation.
Trying to overcome this disconnection is an endeavor; as a single you are not the priority. Their spouse is, as it should be. After regular responsibilities and spousal accomodations, whatever time is left may or may not be used to catch up with single friends, and when they do catch up, there's that whole I'm-in-a-different-phase-of-my-life-than-you obstacle to overcome. You have to struggle to imagine the minutae of marital bliss, and they have to struggle to remember the idiosyncracies of singleness.
With my closest married friends, this isn't as big of an issue. We make the effort to regularly spend time together, with and without the spouse. We were friends before the spouse and we'll be friends for years to come. Yet I notice it even so. I don't know if marrieds are as aware-- I doubt it. I think they have their own disconnect with other marrieds. But when I am out with my married friends and I find myself as the only single, I feel a palatable separation that is, while unintentional, completely difficult to handle at times.
Mostly I choose to ignore it and move on. What can be done? If I'm doing my best to love them and spend time together, and the disconnection remains, what can be done? This is a question for which I have no answer.
I'm not sure there is an answer. This disconnection shouldn't be an excuse to spend time with only singles, or to shun marrieds, or to wallow in self-pity. I think this gulf between married and single is natural and normal, but I didn't anticipate it. It's probably something I'll get used to over time. The gulf will probably grow over time when children are added.
But what this disconnect has reminded me is that I can be comforted in the fact that Jesus Christ has bridged the gulf of sin between me and God. The mild separation I experience between my married friends and me is painful, but nothing in comparison with what those without Christ must experience. I will be forever thankful to my Savior for giving himself for me to give me that relationship with God. No matter how disconnected I may feel from my married friends, I am promised that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate me from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ.
I may be the poster-child for "marital bliss," as you call it. (Wife=check; kids=check; mortgage=check; bald head, gut, knowledge of food blogs, floral pattern on my bed sheets= check, check, check, check).
ReplyDeleteOnce upon a time, I was one of the few without a wife or girlfriend as I attended the college/career class. I remember the awkwardness, and my silence--necessitated at times when they talked of their married lives... and so on.
I started typing this thinking that some sage words, or some comforting words, would materialize. Here is all I have:
When you get there, you'll understand. In the meantime, it sucks. You have a good perspective... I really didn't at the time. Keep going. I think good things are around the corner.
I totally get you.
ReplyDeleteAs I celebrated my 32nd birthday with our annual 'girls dinner' last night...with my 3 married friends, each with first born boys and one on the way (I know, strange isn't it?)...I had the same "palatable separation." It came in waves during the night when the conversation stayed too long on OB appointments, pregnancy or potty training. But compared to my 30th birthday (same girls night and marriage conversations...and my complete meltdown afterward on my bed)... I've gained valuable coping skills. I think it comes from realizing God is in sovereign control of my life no matter how difficult it is. And realizing that soaking up these conversations now, I can have hope (and knowledge when my turn comes)! I like the hope idea. After all, isn't HOPE the core of the Christian heart?
Jason--I appreciate your "sage words" and vote of confidence.
ReplyDeleteKaren-- Happy Belated Birthday! And I appreciate your understanding and wisdom. You're right-- knowledge of God's sovereignty and HOPE are two of the very most important things for Christian in general, and especially Christian woman who is single. :)
Amanda, first I want to say that you are a brave woman, putting your heart out there for people to read and doing it in a way that always points back to God's provision and care for us, I love reading your blog for that reason. You're unpretentious and I find that admirable.
ReplyDeleteNext, I understand what you're feeling because I was in the same boat as you are until the age of almost 30. I felt left behind and instead of having a Godly perspective (like you do) or trying to maintain my relationships with those who had moved to the "next phase", I found friends who were more like me and I regret having handled things that way. When I did get married I was on the other side of that noticeable divide, and it only grew as I had children. Single people aren't the only ones who are aware that this is happening but what can you do about it? Life is changing in a big way and it's hard to relate if you're not going through the same experiences. Your relationships with everyone around you change. Moms no longer have the access to you they once had, the way you relate to friends of both genders changes, and even the way you think about yourself changes. When you are on your own you think you know yourself pretty well, then you get married and that person reveals new information about exactly who you are (in a completely loving way of course (wink)). You can't help but change, God designed it that way. It doesn't make it any easier though for either side.
So, to summarize, you've got the right perspective and I respect who you are and what you're trying to do because I know it's hard. You're doing a great job persevering through something that is obviously painful. You have such wisdom and insight already that I know God will put it (and you) to good use.
This post has brought to light another important issue and that is that when talking to other people we should be sure to actually consider what others might be going through and not just talk about what is important to us. I promise to make more of an effort to talk about non-married things when I'm around you or other singles. And also, we should have a girls night out sometime! :)
Thanks Sarah-- You're always so encouraging!
ReplyDeleteI think you do a great job of not talking about just married things, actually. :) And yes, I agree-- a girls' night out sounds great! :)