1. Is it only natural for a woman who has been single for a long time to look back at past "options" and wonder if she's made the right choices?
2. Have you ever had a really bad idea but went through with it because your curiosity got the best of you?
These questions intersected last night.
I have no idea why, but I decided to sift through my emails and find the correspondences between me and "Roberto" (this is the man I met from "creepychristianguys.com" two years ago during the month-long subscription a friend signed me up for). I don't know what possessed me, but my curiosity wouldn't be sated until I re-read those emails. As I read, I started to think, this guy wasn't so bad. He was smart, funny, and passionate about the Lord. He was a very attractive man of Cuban descent with striking eyes and a nice smile. And wow... he was really into me. I started to doubt myself. Why did I run from this one? What if I'd made a mistake?
Before I remembered that all-important fact that I really can't make a mistake because God is in control and won't let me miss the right man, I read the rest of the emails. And then I remembered why I ran from that one. He was far too intense, far too fast. I was reluctant to meet him, but after I finally agreed, he insisted that we meet in this old-fashioned, legalistic manner that I was completely uncomfortable with. When I explained that all I was thinking about was maybe coffee, he replied,
"Trust me, part of me wants to say, yeah sure. I'll meet you wherever...whatever it takes, I just wanna meet you. But you are a girl, a beautiful one might I add, what if....what if this turns into a romance and you end up (getting tricked into, j/k) becoming my wife. And then...some time later we have four kids. Just pretend with me here, I know this is far fetched. Then these kids grow up and want to have boyfriends and girlfriends, and all this kind of crazy stuff. I want to set a precedent, now, so that when that time comes, and they ask you and me how this came about, I can say. Well kids, it turns out that mommy and I met at a Christian dating site because finding a good solid Christian guy or girl was very difficult during those times. ...When the time came when mommy and I wanted to meet, mommy wanted to bring daddy by the house to show her parents, especially grandpa--since guys can be very deceiving some times. Actually, this was a bit different since mommy had already exchanged about 17 emails with daddy by this time, so she was quite confident that he was a true Christian and wouldn't harm her or disrespect her. But it turns out that she could not do that since grandpa lived a thousand miles away. So she decided to have me come by the house of an older couple who cared about mommy and could have true discernment about what kind of man I was. (change in narrator) So daddy came by and met with me and this couple, which approved of him, and then I felt even more confident that daddy would show me the respect and honor that was due to me. We went for a drive around town and and walked on the beach, and daddy was very respectful. (change in narrator) Thats right, daddy got to see mommy's beautiful red hair against a background of waves and a setting sun, and I took her home safely."
I cringed when I re-read this. WAY too intense, way too fast. And more than a little creepy, right (we had sent a lot of emails, but they were very platonic on my end, as usual. But even for all our emails, this was creepy.)? I remember being weirded out by this, and having many sessions with Bestie and her then BF. Why I agreed to meet him, I'll never know. But we met, and he was nice, but super intense. Only, you would think that with that much intensity, there would also be chemistry. But there was really no chemistry. I can't explain chemistry-- I've asked many people and tried to define it but it escapes me. It's just that nebulous, inexplicable mutual attraction that is either there... or not. And it wasn't, even when he kept inching his arm closer and closer until we touched. Weird.
I remembered my method of running away from this friendship. He called me, and I didn't pick up. He called again, days later, and I didn't pick up. I purposely dodged his calls until he stopped calling. At the time, I thought that would be a better way to let him down. What I realize now is that I took the cowardly way out to avoid feeling awkward. Even though he was too intense and made me feel uncomfortable, he was a good guy and deserved better. And now I find myself filled with regret, not because I wish I'd been in a relationship with him, but because I wish I'd been less rude.
So... I probably shouldn't have let myself read those old emails. Even though they satisfied my curiosity about whether or not I should have run from him, they filled me with regret. I'm sure he doesn't even think of me anymore, but he was my one-and-only-date, so I think of him now and then. I guess I've learned several things since then:
1. I know my tendency is to run from men... but I think by now I can trust my instincts and discernment.
2. If I expect honesty and respect, I should give honesty and respect, even when rejecting.
3. I can't mess up God's plan for my life. I haven't missed him and I won't miss him.
4. Meeting someone from online is not something I am comfortable with... and probably won't ever be comfortable with.
5. When I am in a relationship someday, I will be very slow to proceed. And if he's not cool with that, he's not the one for me.
Word of advice: don't mix nostalgia, curiosity, and old emails. It's a recipe for regret. Am I alone in this? Does anyone else have "singles' regret" about how you've ended friendships/relationships?
Sorry, "Roberto;" my bad.
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