My apartment complex sent me a notice today with information pertaining to my lease renewal. They are raising my rent by almost $60 a month. I'm not an extremely emotional person, but my eyes filled with tears. Overreaction? Possibly. But they also initiated a change of cable/Internet provider, which raised my Internet costs by $30, and I won't even go into the upward-trending cost of utilities. As a single woman and a teacher in a Christian school, I struggle to make ends meet. I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to sing along to my iPod. It happened to be "On My Own" from Les Miserables, so I abruptly turned it to some Train song instead; I was going to a friend's house and didn't want to show up with my cry face.
But I called Mom later. I told her all of this, voiced my concerns, and even got a bit emotional. I told her how hard it was for me to be alone, and then it slipped out:
"It's hard because there's no one to take care of me."
"Ah, so that's really it, isn't it? It's not as much about the money..." Is essentially what my intuitive mom replied.
And she was right. Ultimately I know God will provide for me. I know this because last summer, when I moved into my own place and was a bridesmaid in two weddings (three very expensive, unexpected, budget-unfriendly things), God brought me enough money for each bill, and I survived. So it's not so much the money thing, though it is unbelievably frustrating to simply make ends meet and not be able to afford travel and other things I so enjoy. The real trouble is my unmet desire to be cared for by "someone with skin," as my mom put it.
Most every girl wants to be taken care of. We want someone to provide for us and protect us. This is why it's very hard, almost unnatural, for me to live on my own. Though terribly independent, I want to be cared for. Enigmatic? Perhaps. But therein lies my biggest struggle. Maybe you're thinking, she's back on the discontentment thing again? Yeah, I am; after all, this is a blog about a single girl's struggles, and though I can't speak for any other single girl, I can certainly be transparent about myself. This is an ongoing battle. My victorious moments when I am content in the Lord and I'm trusting Him for the future are only sort-of victorious, because I know inevitably I will be here again with the same old struggle.
But, as with all struggles, the beauty is that God's grace can so clearly be seen. When I am weak, then I am strong. God has taken care of me financially, and he will take care of me emotionally. If he cares enough to balance my checkbook, he cares enough to dry my tears. It's just a matter of deciding to remember that, and probably steering clear of "On My Own" for just a little while longer.
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Perhaps you should consider a smaller cheaper apartment. I was looking for a 1 bedroom for Sam and Aretha at a Condo complex Sarah and I lived in when we were first married. It is gated, pool, hot tub, tennis courts, and has vaulted ceilings and new carpets. A washer and dry are included, as well as all utilities except for electricity (yes, water, cable, and trash [dumpster] are included). It is less than 1 mile from Countryside Mall (which was always Sarah's favorite part) It is $650 a month. Sam did not seem super interested (I think they really want to buy a house). I don't know what you are paying, but if you want the number. let me know.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'm open to looking into it! Is there a website?
ReplyDeleteWHOA!!!! That's cheap! And you wouldn't have to watch sweaty runner woman! ;0 What you wrote is SOOOOO true...besides the fact that, if you're like me, it makes me feel like I'm weak or dependent. It would be nice to have someone to vent to after a hard day with kids, though...... ;)
ReplyDeletethis is truth. all that you wrote.
ReplyDeletecoming home to an empty house, that traditionally isn't the locale of a single girl is tough to deal with for me, i know.
and the looming fear that if something happens monetarily, there is no one to team up with and fend for, it is disheartening.
and the thought that maybe, there never will be?
sends me into panic mode.